the great unknown

i'm on the verge of completely new territory. i'm actually possibly seeing someone...i mean it hasn't even gotten anywhere yet, there is just the possibility of everything. and thinking about all of the possibilities is sending me into this anxious frenzy. i don't date. i don't have relationships. i hook up, and even that is rare. this something is just...wow. i really just want to run away and not deal with any of it. just brush him off like i brush off everyone else. but in my whole adult life i've never even tried, so i think i need to at least attempt something once. i mean even my father thinks its about time. so this is it, this is my attempt at being like every other girl.....poor sucker

the blissful unaware

sometimes, you can let yourself forget. you can believe in the pretty little lies that you shower on the world because that is what they need want. and then you leave fantasy land when you leave the people you created the fantasy for. maybe that's why the general population is so afraid of being alone. because they are afraid to face the truth in themselves. maybe that's why i'm alone always. because i need to have the truth with me always, i'm afraid of forgetting. .....i know the dangers of forgetting. i mean, its lovely to forget. to lose myself in the illusions. but its a fine line to the delusions, and then i'm out of control. out of money, out of respect, and goodness knows what else...i've never taken it too far because there was always someone there watching, to slap my face and snap me back. how fortunate am i, to have someone to save me without me even crying out? ha. that was half sarcasm. i don't want to be saved. what person with a death wish does? but it is quite fortunate that i do have such caring people in my life....unfortunately that makes for a miserable alive rachel. every day, i get up and i sprinkle lies while working myself to the bone, and then i come home and i just collapse under the weight of it all....if i believed it, if i let myself be dangerous, maybe it wouldn't feel so heavy. maybe this time, everyone else is lost in their own fantasy, and won't make me real again....not with my luck, but it couldn't hurt to try :p