pathways

you know that point when you see the path you're headed down, and it scares the living shit out of you? i'm there. not because the path i'm headed down is dangerous but because it is so safe. i am not a normal girl. i don't want normal things or expect to lead a normal life, but i see myself going that way. i know i say sometimes that all i want is to be normal, that everything i do is for that...but i never really mean it. i mean to appear normal, i know deep down inside being normal would kill me. the rachel that i am would be dead i would become some sort of zombie. maybe that's for the best though, maybe i should just let myself head down this mellow little path onto soul crushing...or maybe i'll run

have some fucking empathy

i've been getting really into the whole occupy wall street protest, and i'm honestly really excited that the people are finally doing something. and i saw this post online today that just really pissed me off. it was basically saying that if you tried hard enough, you wouldn't have any financial suffering and if you are part of the "99%" that is your choice. as if someone would choose that! as if i choose to be mentally ill [which majorly contributed to dropping out of college and thousands of dollars in student loan debt] and to have medical emergencies and be bogged down with medical debt because if i did not get surgery i would be fucking dead. yeah i chose that. and everyone else out there chose all of their unfortunate circumstances too. fuck. it makes me so goddamn angry. but part of me says "they're right". because there's this part of me that believes that if i worked hard enough, if i was a good enough person, i could have found a way to make it all work out perfectly. and logically, there's no fucking way, but i still feel like punishing myself for not being perfect enough to have avoided terrible crushing circumstances....its all twisted and fucked up and i just feel like lashing out at someone....and the only person to do that to is ... me. duh. so yay another night of tearing myself to pieces over something i can't control and ruining tomorrow for me because i will be so physically/emotionally spent from tonight that how could eight hours of work not be terrible? so if you're one of those people who has heard about ows, and thinks that its just a bunch of lazy whiny people, and that if they worked hard enough they would have a good life, i invite you to walk a mile in my, or any of their, goddamn shoes. until then shut the fuck up and stop making me feel bad and triggering destructive/harmful episodes....

over my head

it always blows my mind how much people don't get it. i mean, i'm sure i've waxed on about this before, at least in my own mind if not on the blog, but i really don't get how people can be so damn clueless. with my close friends, i've always been pretty open and honest. i don't hide my crazy in front of them, and i always thought that just by being around me and all of that, that they understood. but then i'll say something that will go completely over their head, or they'll say something completely narrow and have no idea. ....how can they truly love me and know me, but not know me at all?

paying the price

i love the anime darker than black. not because i'm a super huge anime fan, i mean i like it from time to time, but i'm not super into it. but this one, i watch over and over. it features these beings, called contractors, which have superhuman powers, but after they use them they have a price to pay. each price is different, just as each power is different. some people have to do disgusting harmful things, and some things are just tedious and time consuming. any i know its silly, but i feel like the ed community is like the contractor community...we are bound to something beyond ourselves, and we do phenomenal things, but we each must pay a price and we pay it in different ways. well anyway, i'm tired of my price. i don't find the 'power' worth it. and i keep trying to change that, but it feels like i just have to follow what everyone wants, just like a contractor is owned and must do as contracted. ...the only way out is to die. 

new beginnings?

i am so stressed. so excited, but so stressed. i know that life is hard, and life changes are even harder, i am mentally prepared for that sort of thing...but it still sucks when you try so hard to get everything together and be responsible and good and make it work, and still it all finds a way to fall apart and say fuck you bitch. but its okay, i made a cross-country move on $200....i can make all of this bullshit coming at me now work out. i'm just going to have to attack back. life wants to attack me, i'll attack life. i'll take it to a place where it wishes it didn't exist. fuck me life, no fuck you! ha. there goes my binge weight baby :)

pinch me

i want to go back to believe in your lies. i want to go back to believe in my lies. this is a moment of weakness. a moment where the pretty lies seem better than the cold truths. because at least then, something was reassuring...now everything's discouraging and confusing and i feel like the more i see, the less i understand; i'm walking eyes-wide and backwards into an officespacewonderland. things[peices] are disappearing like sand...so slowlyquickly all i know is i've got an empty hand. huh, my mad ramblings sound poetic in a way. it doesn't feel so poetic right now. i can't tell whether my fantasies are fantasies still or memories, and i'm stuck in this hell, this hazy hazy hell, and i'm remembering how i got here...shit. 

yeah, and stuff

so i think i've said it before, but there are just moments where i'm like shiny. i don't know how else to word it/explain it. maybe its just a bipolar/manic thing idk. but what i do know is, it sucks. because you have these incredible moments, and then its over and nothing else can touch it. nothing else shines or glows or matters. its all shit in comparison to being in that state....and when i come down from there, its hard to see the point of wading through all of this shit just for a few shiny moments. not that i've had any shiny moments lately, its just been on my mind today for some reason...

also, in other crazy news, the moment when you know you're mad is when you're laughing maniacally and you don't know why and it sounds so crazy you're scaring yourself but you can't stop...that moment happens to me a lot. i feel bad for people who live me with or spend time with me and have to hear that. but i suppose maniacal laughter is better than maniacal rage etc etc. 

....*sigh* i'm all over the place. ....i just feel like the more time goes on, and the more i try to hold it together, the more out of control i get. like i'm really trying here, ya know. really! but i feel like in spite of that, its all crumbling down. i can't even tell the difference between an aura and the side-effects of my terrible relationship with food...haha i like putting it that way. it just sounds so much better that way...so much more reparable.

la dee da, so this was random...fuck life!