bitches and whores

yesterday i chose life, and i was feeling strangely hopeful. and then i reached out to my friends and they couldn't be there for me. i was trying to do the healthy-un-self-destructive thing, and i get a lecture about how you can't rely on people, that you have to learn to be there for yourself. what a fucking slap in the face. or am i wrong to feel that way? because i mean i hardly ever reach out, because i know that people won't be there, that its only me. but the way i do things, my friends say is 'bad'. so they say go to them. and i try, and they give me a lecture on self reliance. ouch. yeah i sure wanna change my ways now. NOT. OBVIOUSLY. this just confirms all the things the 'bad' voices have been telling me for years. yet somehow i'm still supposed to stop being self destructive and do whats 'good'. fucking bullshit. i'm not superwoman. OBVIOUSLY. i'm not going to force myself to puke sunshine and rainbows because my asshole 'friends' are worried about me. its my fucking life. and i'm going to stop doing what they want. if i want to do something, and i think they won't like it, all the more reason to do it. i know that stupid and spiteful, but seriously if theres one thing i can't stand, its lies. and when you say you'll be there and then aren't, and then on top of that turn it around on me, i am inclined to spite you. oh god i needed this vent so hard. FUCKING PEOPLE!!!

life's a bitch, can i die already?

i went back to school because everyone was telling me thats what i should do. but i really don't care. i don't care about anything. because no matter how much money i make, or how many people love me, i will always always be in this much pain. but here i am. alive. putting up with this pain. because i love people. and i want to be here for them. and i don't want to hurt them by leaving. but in order to be there for them, i have to take care of myself. which i suck at. because i don't matter. stupid catch 22. fucking world. 

that one thing.

what is that book where there are twin boys, and one of them finds this place where time goes super fast and he goes there for a year but when he comes out less than a day has passed? i really can't remember the title. but i'm pretty sure its assigned to everyone in middle/high school. well anyways, i've always wanted to find a place like that. so i can just go away for a while and make myself perfect, and when i come back to the real world everything will have stayed the same and i'll be able to pick back up right where i left off. thats a huge fantasy of mine. i want it to happen so bad sometimes. if there was a way i could just pause everything, and just work on me, and then come back to the world, i would do it in a heartbeat. but there isn't. the world waits for no one. fucking selfish world. but i feel like thats what i need right now. i just need to go away and just make myself right.but thats impossible.i have to try and make myself right while living life at the same time. and i don't think i can do that. i'm so tired. everything is so draining, so much effort. i can't do this.