bitches and whores

yesterday i chose life, and i was feeling strangely hopeful. and then i reached out to my friends and they couldn't be there for me. i was trying to do the healthy-un-self-destructive thing, and i get a lecture about how you can't rely on people, that you have to learn to be there for yourself. what a fucking slap in the face. or am i wrong to feel that way? because i mean i hardly ever reach out, because i know that people won't be there, that its only me. but the way i do things, my friends say is 'bad'. so they say go to them. and i try, and they give me a lecture on self reliance. ouch. yeah i sure wanna change my ways now. NOT. OBVIOUSLY. this just confirms all the things the 'bad' voices have been telling me for years. yet somehow i'm still supposed to stop being self destructive and do whats 'good'. fucking bullshit. i'm not superwoman. OBVIOUSLY. i'm not going to force myself to puke sunshine and rainbows because my asshole 'friends' are worried about me. its my fucking life. and i'm going to stop doing what they want. if i want to do something, and i think they won't like it, all the more reason to do it. i know that stupid and spiteful, but seriously if theres one thing i can't stand, its lies. and when you say you'll be there and then aren't, and then on top of that turn it around on me, i am inclined to spite you. oh god i needed this vent so hard. FUCKING PEOPLE!!!