surrender

im lying here, because its bedtime, because its the responsible thing to do when i have work so early in the morning. but i just cant sleep. because when i stop doing things to distract myself from sleeping, like reading or whatever, i just start crying because my mind just goes right back to where its not supposed to be. which, if it isnt obvious, is suicide ideation. the whispers and screams inside my head say the same things.....surrender....you dont have to fight anymore.....take the easy way, let the madness take over...surrender....give in to the madness....let go.....give up, give in....stop trying..... part of me feels like if i can just trigger mania, i can make all these thoughts go away and it will be okay, but you just cant do that. thats the whole thing with bipolar, you dont get to say when. this is life. always. god i hope the apocalypse really is next year.

it is that bad

i've been thinking of moving across the country, because a relative of mine has promised that if i move there, they will see to it that i'm medicated. and i've told people that i'm considering this. and today, someone said something like "you don't need medication that bad to go and live there".....but i do. its hurtful to me when people try and tell me, even if not outright, that i'm not as ill as i think i am. i'm not deluding myself. i'm not making excuses so that i don't have to deal with shit. it really is that bad. i really am that sick. and i know this with every fiber of my being. i have been delusion before, i know what it feels like, and i know whats real and what isn't real. what i see now, how i percieve my mental state(s), that is one hundred percent real. i'm not saying this to brag, i'm saying this because its the truth: i am an intelligent woman who is capable of doing so much, i have so much potential....but without medical help it's like i can't access any of it. its a form of torture. i know that i could be so magnificent, but i'm trapped by my brain and it dulls me. i don't mean that its boring to me, i mean that i become duller as a person...let me put it this way; some people claim that when they medicate themselves they feel like a zombie, a lesser version of themselves and they stop taking the medication so that they can go back to being alive. and i feel pretty much the reverse. hmm i have a new saying i think....give me meds or give me death!

not exactly the case

you know, a lot of people think that people overeat to deal with emotions. emotional eating they call it, eat to deal with the hurt inside. and i realized i eat to deal with physical hurt. now what do you call that? i don't think there is a term. because generally, when people have physical pain, they take a pill or something....or just suck it up. but apparently i'm too weak, so i eat to deal. little bitch. you know, you think after eight years, i would have a better coping method. and i guess i have various coping methods for my physical pain, but no matter what i do, i always seem to come back to food. and you know the sad thing, it really does work. yes, i feel like crap emotionally, but physically it actually helps. somehow it switches my focus so i can build that mental wall back up to block the pain (mostly). i think thats the most irritating thing, not the habit itself, but that it works. and i have to kick it. one of the few things that works, and its shit. it tears me apart emotionally......fuck me