it is that bad

i've been thinking of moving across the country, because a relative of mine has promised that if i move there, they will see to it that i'm medicated. and i've told people that i'm considering this. and today, someone said something like "you don't need medication that bad to go and live there".....but i do. its hurtful to me when people try and tell me, even if not outright, that i'm not as ill as i think i am. i'm not deluding myself. i'm not making excuses so that i don't have to deal with shit. it really is that bad. i really am that sick. and i know this with every fiber of my being. i have been delusion before, i know what it feels like, and i know whats real and what isn't real. what i see now, how i percieve my mental state(s), that is one hundred percent real. i'm not saying this to brag, i'm saying this because its the truth: i am an intelligent woman who is capable of doing so much, i have so much potential....but without medical help it's like i can't access any of it. its a form of torture. i know that i could be so magnificent, but i'm trapped by my brain and it dulls me. i don't mean that its boring to me, i mean that i become duller as a person...let me put it this way; some people claim that when they medicate themselves they feel like a zombie, a lesser version of themselves and they stop taking the medication so that they can go back to being alive. and i feel pretty much the reverse. hmm i have a new saying i think....give me meds or give me death!