im lying here, because its bedtime, because its the responsible thing to do when i have work so early in the morning. but i just cant sleep. because when i stop doing things to distract myself from sleeping, like reading or whatever, i just start crying because my mind just goes right back to where its not supposed to be. which, if it isnt obvious, is suicide ideation. the whispers and screams inside my head say the same things.....surrender....you dont have to fight anymore.....take the easy way, let the madness take over...surrender....give in to the madness....let go.....give up, give in....stop trying..... part of me feels like if i can just trigger mania, i can make all these thoughts go away and it will be okay, but you just cant do that. thats the whole thing with bipolar, you dont get to say when. this is life. always. god i hope the apocalypse really is next year.
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