i know this isn't very unusual at all, but neither is it the standard because i mean everyone does things in their own way, but when i'm feeling suicidal i feel like i have to take care of business; i throw away anything i don't want anyone to see, i tidy up all of my things....i swear i'm the cleanest and neatest when i feel the worst. you get a lot done when you're getting ready to leave the world. and its weird but good, a lot of times when i start out trying to end things, the fact that i'm getting so much done makes everything so much better and my motivation to keep going is renewed. but at the same time, its irritating, like when you're really really sad or mad or something and then someone makes you laugh and then you're not anymore....i hate that. so right now, i'm re-motivated (sort of) but really really irritated. like, why can't i just fucking end it already? why do i have to keep trying and trying and trying? i know i've had enough.... "sometimes it gets so goddamn hard i feel like letting it all go..."
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