i have a really hard time being mad at people when i should. usually i have that initial flash of irritation, and then i feel so guilty and i turn it around and attack myself. thats a big problem for me. so i'm really really proud of myself, that for once i'm not doing that. a friend was an asshole, and at first i did what i normally do. i snapped at him and then i apologized and i was ready to attack myself. but it was just such a big thing, that i couldn't let myself be attacked. so i rescinded my apology, and directed the anger where it belongs- towards the asshole. and i haven't talked to that friend since, and i could care less. i feel so great. i can't stop feeling proud of myself and good for finally sticking up and being all, no this isn't me being crazy, you were an asshole. i mean i didn't say that. i really haven't said anything. but he knows im pissed. and i haven't attacked myself for what he did at all. i just hope i can keep this kind of good behavior up...i'm discovering being good to myself feels good. all i know how to do is to tear myself down and punish/destroy me. its what i do. when anything happens, thats my initial instinct, attack self. heck, i do it when nothing happens. its not fun, i don't want to do it. i don't get any enjoyment out of it, i just have to. the thing is, i can't explain why. there is no reason it just has to happen like that. and maybe i can change that. maybe i can have this feeling all the time...*sigh* i don't know why i get my hopes up like this. its just gonna be a huge let down when i'm back to torturing myself in a few days.
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