what's a girl to do...

and it's all the same. i'm sitting here, and even though i'm in a completely different house, have a different job and different friends, everythings the same inside as it was last year. you try so hard, and nothing changes.  i don't know what else to do. and i'm so tired. i feel like, if life was like it was in the show 'dead like me', a long time ago someone failed to remove my soul and now it's rotten. but of course life isn't a tv show. who even knows what a soul is. i don't know one single person who can clearly define it. but nevermind that, this isn't about souls. this is about exercises in futility, namely me. i keep trying and keep trying and nothing changes. i can't fix me. i can't make myself function like this. so if i quit trying, what is left? the only option i see is to give up. but i promised. i promised. i suppose there are other ways to give up trying besides death...but surrendering to the madness is just such a frightening prospect; who knows what i might do. i keep thinking to myself, "what if i had never been diagnosed, and i thought this was normal would i still be fighting?", and i think not. i think that, no matter what i'm aware of, my body is gonna do what it wants to me, and make me feel these things...i mean i felt these things before and i'm continuing to feel them whether a doctor says its a disorder or not. so i'm pretty sure whether or not i realized i was mentally ill in my freshman year, that i still would have ruined everything because i would have gone through the same cycles anyways. so pretending is not an option that will work, based on that line of thought.  but i've always been very good at deluding myself....but no, no thats not an option. so what then? what is there?