i did it

i have started writing a blog post so many times this month...but i just can never actually post it. so finally, i will post one, because i'm too tired to really do anything but too stimulated to pass out.

so many people around me have died recently, and then with the whole earthquake/tsunami where all of those people are dying; it's enough to drive a suicidal girl mad with jealousy. because really, all of these people have their lives taken from them, why can't i have that? what is so goddamn special about me that i should be alive and they shouldn't? nothing. its just like random. and they were lucky (or unlucky depending on your pov) enough to die. i have so much guilt for feeling this way, because i know instead i should be grateful that i am alive and sorrowful for what has been lost. but even if i do feel that, its all overshadowed by this incredible jealousy. ....i'm a terrible person. its true. this proves it as much as anything else ever has. if i could give my miserable life to any one of those people who i'm sure wanted to live and were much better at being people than me, i would in an instant. 

i feel like the other day, when i was playing this board game. i felt done, but i had to keep playing until it was over; my heart wasn't in it, so i played crappy and i lost. that is a metaphor for life, for me. my hearts not in it because i just want it to be done, but i have to keep going because i'm not the only one involved here; until it ends forever later on its own, i'm stuck.

i guess i'm sort of obsessing about life and death. its march. its officially been a year since i really tried to off myself. and i want to do it more than ever. i've worked so so hard to make it through this year, and it feels like none of it matters, because nothing has changed. and i still regret calling it off halfway through....so much has happened this year and i've made so many new friends, but i would take it all back to do it right. have this all be over. i really don't know how i'm going to do this eleven more times....looking at things right now it seems impossible to accomplish. i mean, i don't even know what i'm fighting for. ....congrats to myself for surviving i guess