fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i'm on the edge. it always comes back to this. and every time, its so intense, i feel like this time its inevitable; i am going to jump off. but then i just back away... i keep coming back, i want to jump off. but like with everything in the world, there's uncertainty. yes, this is what i want, but i don't know everything. i don't know what will happen after. if there is an after. i can't know that for sure. and i can't know if things will change for the better if i don't. how do i know? there is no way of knowing, no certainty here. it has to be a (partially) blind judgement...... i just feel so much pressure from both sides. its feels like if i don't come to some sort of final conclusion on the matter, i'll explode. neither side will win. because it will be a mental explosion, so i won't be dead, but i won't quite be with the living either. i will be in some sad sad home for people who can't take care of themselves. ...i don't know.... maybe this is just a product of my crazy mixed cycle that i'm in right now, and everything will calm down soon. i just know that something has to happen really soon, and i'm afraid i can't make it.
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