so i finally faced the scale today. and i was relieved/horrified. relieved that it wasn't worse, horrified that i am at a hw i haven't been near in like six months. this is what i need to focus on though. when i focus on my body, i don't focus on death. and that's a good thing. maybe if i focus hard enough i can get through this cycle alive. everyone keeps asking me what i want, what my plans are and i just want to laugh/scream; i don't have any plans besides staying alive! that's about all i have the energy to do, because its a freaking hard task. i honestly don't know whether i'll be able to have any sort of life plans other than that. i can't see a me where i don't want death and i'm not fighting myself for life. but you never know, things happen, people change. i just gotta focus and stay strong. just keep working on that magic number and maybe the dreams of blood and death will fade away.
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