a look inside my wild mind

okay, so not like its a possibility or anything, because i don't have a sex life, but it would be the worst thing ever if i was pregnant. random, of course. but on one of my tv shows, a character unexpectedly discovered she was pregnant and it was like a bomb dropping, ya know? and i just feel that's how it would be for me. and that's making me reconsider my decision to get a sex life. because i was really thinking about it. but when you throw in that remote possibility..... i mean, i don't want to have children ever. like pushing a creature out of my vagina is nowhere in my life plan. in fact its in my life plan to make that impossible. and part of me feels so guilty for that. because so many people out there want to get pregnant and have children and a family.....i feel like i'm being an ungrateful wench. but i'm not. i mean everyone has a right to live their lives in their own way, and this is mine. childless. and sexless, i guess, until i get myself fixed. or until i get manic enough to not care. gosh, where is all of this even coming from?! it has nothing to with what's on my mind right now, which is bingebingebingebinge followed by counteractcounteractcounteract .....right now i feel like i either need to be stuffing my face (more), or running myself to the point of vomiting........its all about the punishment either way i'm a bad bad girl and i need to be destroyed. mostly right now i'm leaning towards counteracting stuffs like overexercising and such....which is an improvement in some ways. kinda makes me proud. but everything is still negative and i'm still  being irrational and harmful ....... *sigh* in this hypomanicy state, everything is so confusing....because i feel good, being hypo, but i still have those negative feelings and that urge to destroy myself for being bad. its terrible, because its like you're given  the best thing ever, but only to look at, you can't actually have it. but you know, when i think about it, what would i choose, to be happy, and be some indeterminate weight that in my mind is fat but in the average mind is okay, or to be unhappy and have the chance to be empty and oh so skinny.....well when you've had that high, how can you choose anything else? how can you stop trying to get that feeling back, no matter what it does to you? you know, all truth be told, i have never felt so good as when i've been empty. ......this is so tangential and silly i'm just going to end it, but i'll be going on and on in my head all night

f is for failing

sdlkfjvcoibgu.ofiudsflidjfkdlcbjcvlkbcdjalksdfjsadlkf!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was feeling so good, so together this morning and then i come home from work and i just consume. i wasn't actually hungry, i wasn't punishing myself, i just had to eat. i'm just so mad at myself, that i can't even make it twenty four hours without stuffing my face. i'm such a fat failure. i can't even put into to words how much i hate myself right now. but i'm not going to do anything bad to myself. as much as i want to, i won't. because i'm going to call someone or text someone or something...just reach out so i don't do something dangerous because i'm a bad girl who needs to be punished.... slfdjsdlkfjdslk!!!! i don't know if i can do it, i've called two people and they're not there. i don't know if i can let myself reach out any more today. i mean, calling more than one person is a big thing.....beyond two, omg. i feel like, this is a time for like hardcore punishment, and i'm trying so so hard not to give in to that. but i don't know if i can stop myself, if i can't get anyone to stop me.......

home invasion

so i'm having a roommate move in. which isn't such a big deal you would think, because when i first moved in here, she was living in the basement with me, while the other two were living upstairs. but she's just so hard to live with. she's just really judgemental and snoopy. so i have to clean up everything, because otherwise she bitches and bitches, even though she makes plenty of the mess. and i have to hide anything personal, because she'll get into it and create a big dramatic mess. and it's setting me on edge just thinking about it. your home should be somewhere where you can relax, but with her around i'm not going to be able to. the most frustrating thing for me here, is that she has no room to judge me. she's fat, twenty six years old, and having to live with her brother because she can't keep a job because she's so irresponsible. ...... even though i have absolutely no respect for her, i know that i will still try to be perfect for her (as a roomie)....i'm such a freak

too much

i seriously feel like i'm running around in circles, and everyone else knows where they're going. for instance when i go to the grocery store (or any other store for that matter), if i don't know exactly what i'm purchasing and where to locate it i freak, like i have to run out of the store before i start hysterically crying because i can't handle it (exceptions to this of course are when i'm grazing, but even then i get a bit panicky). and basically everything is as difficult as that. and i just can't help but think to myself, i'm twenty one years old, i should be able to take care of myself. but i'm not. i'm a grown woman, and i can't handle it. i try, and sometimes i even delude myself into thinking that i've got this but i don't, and i probably never will. most people who know me would totally disagree with that, but they believe in the act, the front that i put on. they don't see me when i'm crumbling to pieces just from doing a simple task. maybe everyone else falls apart too, and hides it just like i do....i can't know that for sure. maybe the whole world is headless chickens. i know i'm constantly saying my death is inevitable (correction, suicide, duh death is inevitable for everyone), but i just feel like i can't really go on for sixty more years like this. something is going to give. and every single day, it feels like that's gonna be the day it all breaks. because its already too much...

bitch and moan

ugh i'm so hating myself right now. i am such a fucking little baby. i mean i have a cold. a cold. i know they suck, because duh i feel like hell right now, but jesus, its just a cold, i should be sucking it up, not wallowing in bed all day, and then gorging on pizza by night telling myself i need to eat to get over this thing. i may need fuel, but not that much. i'm just a pathetic fat cow. i need to get up do something. like anything. just move. as hard as i try, i still have absolutely no fire for living. i'm like a zombie. like my roomates want me out because i'm just a total slob/leech. and i want to change, i want to be in place where i can get out and all that, but i just never quite seem to get going. its always something. like now, with the cold. i just sit here and i whine and i say oh poor me, i'm fucked up so i can't do anything. well thats bs. i should be doing crap. fucked up people live life all of the time. i am not special. i am no exception. i do not deserve to just laze around. ....i could go on, but that seems like enough of a self-loathing rant. 

one year later....

i started this blog one year ago today, and this is how far i have(nt) come: die die die die fucking die die die die fucking die die die die fucking die die die die fuckig die die die die die die die die die die die fat fucking bitch die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die! !!!!!!!!!