a look inside my wild mind

okay, so not like its a possibility or anything, because i don't have a sex life, but it would be the worst thing ever if i was pregnant. random, of course. but on one of my tv shows, a character unexpectedly discovered she was pregnant and it was like a bomb dropping, ya know? and i just feel that's how it would be for me. and that's making me reconsider my decision to get a sex life. because i was really thinking about it. but when you throw in that remote possibility..... i mean, i don't want to have children ever. like pushing a creature out of my vagina is nowhere in my life plan. in fact its in my life plan to make that impossible. and part of me feels so guilty for that. because so many people out there want to get pregnant and have children and a family.....i feel like i'm being an ungrateful wench. but i'm not. i mean everyone has a right to live their lives in their own way, and this is mine. childless. and sexless, i guess, until i get myself fixed. or until i get manic enough to not care. gosh, where is all of this even coming from?! it has nothing to with what's on my mind right now, which is bingebingebingebinge followed by counteractcounteractcounteract .....right now i feel like i either need to be stuffing my face (more), or running myself to the point of vomiting........its all about the punishment either way i'm a bad bad girl and i need to be destroyed. mostly right now i'm leaning towards counteracting stuffs like overexercising and such....which is an improvement in some ways. kinda makes me proud. but everything is still negative and i'm still  being irrational and harmful ....... *sigh* in this hypomanicy state, everything is so confusing....because i feel good, being hypo, but i still have those negative feelings and that urge to destroy myself for being bad. its terrible, because its like you're given  the best thing ever, but only to look at, you can't actually have it. but you know, when i think about it, what would i choose, to be happy, and be some indeterminate weight that in my mind is fat but in the average mind is okay, or to be unhappy and have the chance to be empty and oh so skinny.....well when you've had that high, how can you choose anything else? how can you stop trying to get that feeling back, no matter what it does to you? you know, all truth be told, i have never felt so good as when i've been empty. ......this is so tangential and silly i'm just going to end it, but i'll be going on and on in my head all night