it's so loud inside my head

my brain is insane. sometimes i think i cause myself to have migraines just by overusing my brain, just like how you can fried your computer if you overload it.  its like so intense in there, i feel bad if anyone has mind reading powers because they would prolly get traumatized. right now, i've got a million things going on. but one thing is, that i've got to either succeed or fail. which i know sounds completely obvious, like duh if you don't succeed that means failure and visa-versa. but i don't mean that if i don't reach my goal that i will be a failure, i mean that if i don't find a way to make it happen, then i'm going to have to make myself fail hard. like make myself so sick that i'll have to be hospitalized hard. its like when people are late or don't show up or something like that and someone remarks "she better be dying...".... that's the kind of shit my brain screams at me. if i'm not going to do things right, then i better be dying. or pretty damn close to it. objectively, i know that's like super strict and ridiculous, but i don't know how to not be that way. it'd be like trying not to have blue eyes....i wouldn't even know where to begin. so here's hoping i succeed, or succeed at failing :)

instinct vs. logic

i don't know what to do...i feel completely upside-down....i had these dreams that were so ridiculous but the message in them felt so real. i feel like i need to do what they told me to do, like there is no choice.....but at the same time, i know that's complete insanity; dreams are just dreams they aren't messages or anything else. yet past experience says otherwise. none of this helps that im in the middle of an intense binge; not exactly thinking clearly here. i feel like i got lost, and so i've been trying to go back and figure out where i went wrong, why i made the choice that i made, but the more i look the less everything makes sense....i  just can't make sense of anything today! i am so confused; maybe it's the starving for the last couple of days, and then binging today, but i don't feel like that's it. the dreams, just everything about how i feel today is just screaming walk away. walk away before it's too late. i just feel it so strongly like i have to do this....nothing else makes sense anymore....i don't know what to do, i don't know whether to give in to this feeling or to fight it, and risk the hell that i know will come if i do. 

just another day

i'm scared, because i feel like i'm on the verge of something. i mean it could be that my current plans to transfer halfway across the country will work out, but i feel like even if it doesn't i feel like something is going to happen that is totally life changing. but that could be because i am in a crazy rapid mixed state. i mean this morning, i could've taken on the world and then six hours later, i was crying my eyes out and i couldn't tell you what was wrong but it was wrong. and now, now i'm feeling some sort of  nervous anticipation for some unknown mind blowing occurrence. i don't feel ready. but then i'm never ready, i just make myself jump in. oh great, now i'm back to the crying jag.  isn't it lovely to be me

gun in mouth, mirror in face

i came home sick today. i wasn't even at work an hour. to everyone who was there, i'm sure it appeared as if i have some sort of bug....i went to the bathroom, and i came back all pale and shaky looking like hell and saying i felt like i was going to pass out. and even though it seems buggy, i know that this is something i did to myself. this is because i've been starving-binging-purging recklessly. every single day i can feel the toll its taking on my body, and usually i rejoice in that; i've chosen a slow suicide and these are all signs that my work is paying off. today though, when i had to get driven home from work after less than an hour, part of me panicked. i would have tried to stay, but i actually did feel like i would pass out, and if i pass out it is highly likely that i would be taken to the hospital which is the last thing i want. realizing that, something in me screamed that i need to quit this shit, i need help, i should start taking care of my body. i really don't want that of course. i want to destroy myself. but i'm still internally fraught....i mean maybe i'm going at this too hard. maybe i should be a little more cautious. its a tough call, on the one hand, if i seek help i'll physically feel better, and on the other hand if i keep doing what i'm doing i'll be mentally happy because this is what i want. dilemma.