i came home sick today. i wasn't even at work an hour. to everyone who was there, i'm sure it appeared as if i have some sort of bug....i went to the bathroom, and i came back all pale and shaky looking like hell and saying i felt like i was going to pass out. and even though it seems buggy, i know that this is something i did to myself. this is because i've been starving-binging-purging recklessly. every single day i can feel the toll its taking on my body, and usually i rejoice in that; i've chosen a slow suicide and these are all signs that my work is paying off. today though, when i had to get driven home from work after less than an hour, part of me panicked. i would have tried to stay, but i actually did feel like i would pass out, and if i pass out it is highly likely that i would be taken to the hospital which is the last thing i want. realizing that, something in me screamed that i need to quit this shit, i need help, i should start taking care of my body. i really don't want that of course. i want to destroy myself. but i'm still internally fraught....i mean maybe i'm going at this too hard. maybe i should be a little more cautious. its a tough call, on the one hand, if i seek help i'll physically feel better, and on the other hand if i keep doing what i'm doing i'll be mentally happy because this is what i want. dilemma.
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