paying the price

i love the anime darker than black. not because i'm a super huge anime fan, i mean i like it from time to time, but i'm not super into it. but this one, i watch over and over. it features these beings, called contractors, which have superhuman powers, but after they use them they have a price to pay. each price is different, just as each power is different. some people have to do disgusting harmful things, and some things are just tedious and time consuming. any i know its silly, but i feel like the ed community is like the contractor community...we are bound to something beyond ourselves, and we do phenomenal things, but we each must pay a price and we pay it in different ways. well anyway, i'm tired of my price. i don't find the 'power' worth it. and i keep trying to change that, but it feels like i just have to follow what everyone wants, just like a contractor is owned and must do as contracted. ...the only way out is to die. 

new beginnings?

i am so stressed. so excited, but so stressed. i know that life is hard, and life changes are even harder, i am mentally prepared for that sort of thing...but it still sucks when you try so hard to get everything together and be responsible and good and make it work, and still it all finds a way to fall apart and say fuck you bitch. but its okay, i made a cross-country move on $200....i can make all of this bullshit coming at me now work out. i'm just going to have to attack back. life wants to attack me, i'll attack life. i'll take it to a place where it wishes it didn't exist. fuck me life, no fuck you! ha. there goes my binge weight baby :)

pinch me

i want to go back to believe in your lies. i want to go back to believe in my lies. this is a moment of weakness. a moment where the pretty lies seem better than the cold truths. because at least then, something was reassuring...now everything's discouraging and confusing and i feel like the more i see, the less i understand; i'm walking eyes-wide and backwards into an officespacewonderland. things[peices] are disappearing like sand...so slowlyquickly all i know is i've got an empty hand. huh, my mad ramblings sound poetic in a way. it doesn't feel so poetic right now. i can't tell whether my fantasies are fantasies still or memories, and i'm stuck in this hell, this hazy hazy hell, and i'm remembering how i got here...shit. 

yeah, and stuff

so i think i've said it before, but there are just moments where i'm like shiny. i don't know how else to word it/explain it. maybe its just a bipolar/manic thing idk. but what i do know is, it sucks. because you have these incredible moments, and then its over and nothing else can touch it. nothing else shines or glows or matters. its all shit in comparison to being in that state....and when i come down from there, its hard to see the point of wading through all of this shit just for a few shiny moments. not that i've had any shiny moments lately, its just been on my mind today for some reason...

also, in other crazy news, the moment when you know you're mad is when you're laughing maniacally and you don't know why and it sounds so crazy you're scaring yourself but you can't stop...that moment happens to me a lot. i feel bad for people who live me with or spend time with me and have to hear that. but i suppose maniacal laughter is better than maniacal rage etc etc. 

....*sigh* i'm all over the place. ....i just feel like the more time goes on, and the more i try to hold it together, the more out of control i get. like i'm really trying here, ya know. really! but i feel like in spite of that, its all crumbling down. i can't even tell the difference between an aura and the side-effects of my terrible relationship with food...haha i like putting it that way. it just sounds so much better that way...so much more reparable.

la dee da, so this was random...fuck life!

sometimes, never

i know this isn't very unusual at all, but neither is it the standard because i mean everyone does things in their own way, but when i'm feeling suicidal i feel like i have to take care of business; i throw away anything i don't want anyone to see, i tidy up all of my things....i swear i'm the cleanest and neatest when i feel the worst. you get a lot done when you're getting ready to leave the world.  and its weird but good, a lot of times when i start out trying to end things, the fact that i'm getting so much done makes everything so much better and my motivation to keep going is renewed. but at the same time, its irritating, like when you're really really sad or mad or something and then someone makes you laugh and then you're not anymore....i hate that. so right now, i'm re-motivated (sort of) but really really irritated. like, why can't i just fucking end it already? why do i have to keep trying and trying and trying? i know i've had enough.... "sometimes it gets so goddamn hard i feel like letting it all go..."

silence all the voices

"have you ever seen a fat jackrabbit? how about an overweight mountain loin? these animals live mostly in the wild, eating the foods that nature has provided. sodas, candy bars and chocolate chip cookies are not in their diet."   ....i love taking random quotes from health/diet books and turning them into motivation.  "if there's only junk food, don't eat!"  ....unhealthy tips are found in the healthiest of places ;p  ....i need something good to get me out of this piggy pig pig rut and on the road to emptiness. i'm trying to focus on other things besides food...i mean there are plenty of other things going on my life that i need to focus on; men, moving, weddings (not my own)....there is just so much that i should be doing and thinking about...but its all about food. fucking a. i'm honestly considering just getting a credit card, going to the doctor and getting medication (because a credit card is the only way i could afford medication and a doctor), just so i can have a smidgen of control over myself! jesus christ i can't take it anymore. if i'm not sobbing my eyes out and counting pills, i'm stuffing my face or making myself ill or some other extreme thing that is absolutely not enjoyable. ...when you boil it down, its all about food and death. and i just don't want to care about either anymore. i want to shut up the crazy voices...i want to swallow the pills and become a good little zombie.... 

it's so loud inside my head

my brain is insane. sometimes i think i cause myself to have migraines just by overusing my brain, just like how you can fried your computer if you overload it.  its like so intense in there, i feel bad if anyone has mind reading powers because they would prolly get traumatized. right now, i've got a million things going on. but one thing is, that i've got to either succeed or fail. which i know sounds completely obvious, like duh if you don't succeed that means failure and visa-versa. but i don't mean that if i don't reach my goal that i will be a failure, i mean that if i don't find a way to make it happen, then i'm going to have to make myself fail hard. like make myself so sick that i'll have to be hospitalized hard. its like when people are late or don't show up or something like that and someone remarks "she better be dying...".... that's the kind of shit my brain screams at me. if i'm not going to do things right, then i better be dying. or pretty damn close to it. objectively, i know that's like super strict and ridiculous, but i don't know how to not be that way. it'd be like trying not to have blue eyes....i wouldn't even know where to begin. so here's hoping i succeed, or succeed at failing :)