a fairytale that isn't coming true

i want to be anyone but me. not because i think that everyone else has it so much easier than me. i know that a lot of people have it worse than me. but they have different problems. different lives. different bodies. and you know, that would be nice. to have different problems. i feel like my life is the song that never ends. it’s the same hell over and over and over and over and, you get the idea. the thing i would like most is a different body. that would be loveliest change. not because of looks. on good days i find my looks quite pleasing. like a doll, all smooth skin, big eyes, and a tiny mouth. it’s the insides that i mind. the bipolar disorder, the chronic migraines, and all the other lovelies. the constantly being in pain and out of control, yet having to appear neither in order to survive in this fucked up society and i’m suddenly craving a [veggie] burger…god i need drugs see? so,being me isn’t exactly the bees knees or whatever.  and i know, based on current medical data, and my own studies and experience, that its going to be like this my entire life and the only thing that will change that is medication. so i either need to be drugged up 24/7, or out of my mind ………its actually a bit of a toss up. its not like these drugs take me on a fun trip. they just help make me more boring and functional. that sounds super exciting…gag me. so many people try and point out to me all of the lovely things that i have in this life, the things that should make me want to hold onto it desperately. like people who love me. aww that’s sweet, but love doesn’t pay the bills. love doesn’t go out and work for me when i’m too mental to leave the house. what else do they say…ah yes, that it will get better. yeah, and someday my prince will come. life is not a disney movie. sometimes there are happy endings, but mostly there are ordinary or even awful endings.  so yeah, right now i don’t want to be me. would you?

gummy gummy gummy bear

today me and my sister/roomie went to the store, and she was grocery shopping and i was just picking up a few essentials like shaving cream. but we got to the candy aisle, and she was all like 'hey lets treat ourselves and get some candy!' and i don't want her to think that i'm not eating, and i don't want to encourage her ana behaviors (she has an ed) so i said sure and we bought a 3lb bag of gummy bears (it was a steal). so that we wouldn't eat it all at once, we divided the gummies into small portions in ziplock bags. and i took one of the bags to 'eat' while i went downstairs and did my homework. and while i was online doing my coursework i looked up the nutrition info etc and saw that hey, maybe i could try to eat a few because it wouldn't be so bad.[i know i'm still on my fast, but my stomach is growling like mad now no matter how much water i drink and people are starting to notice so i though maybe this would help that]  i put one in my mouth and started to chew and it was like the absolute hardest thing in the world to eat it, and i could not do it. i had to spit it out. one gummy bear. and i love sugar. i love candy. so i'm kind of scared. i never thought it would become so difficult to eat one thing. but i said whatever it takes, and i meant it.

hump day

so even though i've quite enjoyed this fast, i'm glad that i'm gonna start eating soon. because i tried to go for a jog this morning, and after half a block my body became all stiff and it felt like it was gonna give out on me then and there. and i love exercising. so its gonna be nice to have a little more energy to do so. i really wanted to jog or something because i want to do everything i can to keep my metabolism up, cause its slowing down. i only lost .2lbs yesterday. .2lbs for fucks sake. that makes me .6lbs away from my goal. so i have through friday to get it up enough to lose that measly .6lbs. it feels a little ridiculous. 

i will make this happen.

and everyone wants to feed me

i feel soooo great. and i think its because i'm finally cycling out of my depression into hypomania or mania. so even though i've been living on water, i have soo much energy and i fucking love it. if i feel like this every day, finishing out this fast is gonna be a breeze. i'm just worried about coming off of it. because the last day is friday, and then i was going to slowly add food, but i have a bbq saturday, and i can't not eat because they are making sure to have veggie burgers just for me. and then sunday one of my coworkers is specially making veggie stuffed peppers for me, so i have to eat then. and i don't wanna get off my fast and just start stuffing my face, so i'll have to tread very lightly i think....

just a little bit....

so i'm over the halfway point. i'm on day twelve of my twenty day fast. go me :) i tested myself by cooking food for others (3 times) and each time i was able to gracefully refuse to eat. now i just have to pass the second test, going out (tomorrow night eeek). my weight loss has already started slowing down, but i know it will pick up now that i'm going back to work and i'm going to be walking the 3miles there and then home again. exercise always helps me speed up weight loss. so hopefully i will reach 108 before the fast is over....that would just make me soooo happy. i'm so close to it. 112 right now. which is still disgusting. for me, anything above 108 is loathesome and unacceptable. i keep looking in the mirror, to see if i see a difference yet, and i really can't. i still see loads and loads of flesh and thats all i see. i have a long way to go before i see my beautiful bones. but i know i have the strength to get there. i will do this.

lies lies lies yeah

so yesterday i got sent home from work after two hours because i was vomiting. i told them all that i thought i caught something at the lake the day before, but the truth is that i know its from not eating for several days, and then taking too many laxies. so i've laid of the laxies and hopefully i will make it through work today and i will tell them the lovely lie "it must have been a 24hr bug". but everything i'm feeling makes me feel good inside, because i know its all taking me to my goal. i've already lost four pounds. only about twenty more to go lol. well eight till my first goal. i will be at most 108 by the time i go to vegas. my friends that i am going with are so slim, i refuse to be the fleshy friend. i know i have the strength to do this. i've suffered worse pain, and without any reward. i'm fasting for thirteen more days for sure. and then we'll see at that point if i'm allowed food. i have this evil hope in the back of my mind that on my long walk to work one of these days i'll pass out....i don't know why i want that, but i do. i guess its because it would be a great way to punish myself without seeming directly to blame. i can just say 'oh, i've been walking so much, and the heat...'  but it doesn't really matter right now. right now, i just have to make it through today. put on my perky mask and recite the lies told a thousand times before. because i will be thin.

the defenition of perfect

i know my friends love me, but they don't always know whats best for me. i mean any time i lose even a little bit of weight, they say i'm getting 'too' thin. even if i've only lost like five pounds and i'm still (for me) in the fat range. my fatter sister told me the other day that i'm at the perfect weight right now, that i shouldn't lose anything except maybe tone a little (funny though, she later mentioned that girls who have absolutely no fat anywhere and are just bones are perfect). yeah, no. theres no way i'm staying at this fat ass fleshy weight. i look disgusting, how am i the only one that sees this? so i know they want me to be happy and healthy, but thats not how i'm playing this. because in my quest to be healthy for them, i've stopped all destructive activity and its killing me. so i'm holding on to this one little thing. i'm losing weight, and i'm not doing it the healthy way. i'm going to starve, abuse laxatives, over exercise, whatever it takes to reach my goal and the next. i need this. i need this to not cry every time i look in the mirror. to not go completely insane. in this instance, bad is best for me. 

i don't wanna waste another minute here

right now i hate everything. i just want to close my eyes and have everything fade away. i hate my body that tortures me with pain and then craves and craves until i feed it, and in doing so create flesh that i loathe. i hate the people who i love, who in the end do nothing but leave me by myself to cry. i hate the sun for shining so brightly and electronics for not being reliable. ....i think you got the message. i fucking hate everything. i thought i was winning the struggle. i thought that i was starting to appreciate life, and actually want to live it. but the minute i have some time to myself to reflect, i see that nothing has changed. i still don't want this. i've just been so busy i didn't have time to think about anything. aren't days off lovely? i keep trying to make changes in my life, because i know that i can't continue on the way i have been, but its so hard to make anything happen. i try, and life goes "fuck you, you're stuck with this sad lot i gave you and thats that". well not really, but it sure feels that way. but i will keep trying, and maybe someday soon someone will put me out of my misery. a girl can dream ; )