lies lies lies yeah

so yesterday i got sent home from work after two hours because i was vomiting. i told them all that i thought i caught something at the lake the day before, but the truth is that i know its from not eating for several days, and then taking too many laxies. so i've laid of the laxies and hopefully i will make it through work today and i will tell them the lovely lie "it must have been a 24hr bug". but everything i'm feeling makes me feel good inside, because i know its all taking me to my goal. i've already lost four pounds. only about twenty more to go lol. well eight till my first goal. i will be at most 108 by the time i go to vegas. my friends that i am going with are so slim, i refuse to be the fleshy friend. i know i have the strength to do this. i've suffered worse pain, and without any reward. i'm fasting for thirteen more days for sure. and then we'll see at that point if i'm allowed food. i have this evil hope in the back of my mind that on my long walk to work one of these days i'll pass out....i don't know why i want that, but i do. i guess its because it would be a great way to punish myself without seeming directly to blame. i can just say 'oh, i've been walking so much, and the heat...'  but it doesn't really matter right now. right now, i just have to make it through today. put on my perky mask and recite the lies told a thousand times before. because i will be thin.