maybe i should just check myself into a psych ward....i mean i'm not harming myself too bad right now, but i don't know how much longer i can hold that off. smoking and drinking and unbalanced eating can only get me so much destructive satisfaction. but medical care is so expensive, and i'm already in a hole i don't know if i'll ever get out of, how the fuck am i supposed to pay for round the clock treatment, short term or otherwise?! ......curse america and its lack of healthcare options. i really am trying to keep my promise. but everywhere there is temptation.....you know how many ways there are to die? a lot. you know the sad thing? even though my short time as a psych patient sucked, i feel like going into treatment would be a sort of vacation. i wouldn't have to smile and pretend the world is full of sunshine and rainbows....i could be as dark as i am.....but of course only for a time, because i would have to 'get better' and 'see' the sunshine and rainbows....shit now that i'm really thinking about it, i'm sure going into treatment would be the same hell my life is right now. goddamn it. another fantasy smashed to bits by cold cold reality. i just want to put someone else in control, ya know? like it'd be so nice for once to stop trying to control myself (which is pretty much as hard as solving a derivative)....to stop fighting my body and just be with it, and have someone worry about what it does. or rather what i do. so that settles it: i'm not checking into anywhere, and i'm not dying....yet.
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