so i went on my trip, enjoyed life (for the most part) and now i'm back to reality. and i thought maybe seeing my best friend who i rarely see (like seeing her twice in the last two years is A LOT) and having a blast with her in vegas would give me some positive energy for a while. was i ever wrong. the minute i left all the happiness disappeared. so i thought maybe making myself be social and see my friends would help me recover some of that. god no. i spent the whole time screaming inside. because i hated them. i mean yeah, i can say i had fun. but i only had fun because i forced myself to. i put on that mask and i lived in it. sometimes, my mask feels seamless, and i can be that happy person in the moment. but not yesterday. i was so aware i was wearing it.....i HATED all of them. not only did i want to kill myself, i wanted to take them with me. okay, only for a little while. for the most part i just honestly couldn't get myself to care. there was nothing there. those people didn't matter to me. all i wanted to do was get away from them....so you know me, in the spirit of punishing myself, i made myself stay. you know, usually when i stop caring about the people i love, i start to worry because i know thats a really bad thing. but i'm not worried at all....and maybe thats a sign that its even worse than its been before. i don't know. all i know is, inside nothing matters and i'm okay with that. unfortunately that doesn't mean i'm actually going to quit life. i'm still going to get up every day and go to work and attempt [and possibly succeed] doing homework and do all of the necessary things to get to the next day. because thats what i do. whats expected. what people want from me. i hardly ever do what i want. but i really don't know how much longer i can feel like a zombie and still look like little miss sunshine.
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