too much of the wrong thing

so i'm watching this documentary on food, which of course i do all the time. really, that wasn't sarcasm. i watch them as often as i can get my hands on them. back on topic....so in this documentary, they were giving large numbers of deaths caused by heart disease, etc that people in the us are dying from because of our terrible diets.  and all i could think about while all those deaths were being marched in front of my eyes was, "why aren't i lucky enough to be one of those numbers?"....not the normal reaction i know. generally, someone would think, "my god, thats awful, we must do something"...or some such like that. i intended to watch the documentary to learn more about food, and develop a better diet plan, but instead all i could think about was geez, maybe i should get fat and then i'll keel over no problem.   being that i loathe fat/flesh so much, that would be a difficulty for me. so i'm going to re-watch the film and try not to focus on how to kill myself, but how to feed myself. 

and to sort of be complete, i'm looking for info, because my restrictive diet failed, or rather i failed it. i have spent days six and seven eating everything. so yeah, i'm rethinking it. because i need to stop this back and forth shit. eventually i'll get superfat from it, and its making me really really unhealthy, but not in a way that will kill me anytime soon, just in a way thats really really annoying. i mean, i remember, i used to have to sit a certain way for a long time before my feet or arms or whatever would fall asleep. now i sit for a few minutes and my legs are crawling with ants (by that i means the tingling sleepy numb feeling) so i have to shift. see, really really annoying. but its not going to kill me. 

its just so hard, i feel all of this pressure....i know that i'm putting it on myself, but that doesn't make it any less....i need to find the right diet and i need to find it now. and it has to be the perfect one. i can't say why the urgency, its just there. saying nownownownownownownow.

shut your face

i feel so weak today. i can hear candy and cookies and waffles and calories galore calling my name. saying 'eat me rachel, eat me, you know you want to'....i just want them to shut the fuck up. leave me alone goddamn it. i don't want you cookies of candy...i don't want any more calories. but i can hear them calling and i feel my resolve weakening, i really do. they whisper, 'you can just eat less tomorrow to make up for it, its okay.'  no. i don't want you and i don't need you. leave me alone. stop talking to me and tempting me. just go away. 

yeah, its one of those days....

how long can you go?

i'm trying really hard to break my binge-starve-binge cycle, and i settled on restricting as the best method to do so. i tried to eat normally and i just found myself binging every single day. so i know that won't work. and i've tried restriction before, but it always felt like too much. the number was too high, and i just kept eating. but i've stuck to this for five days, so far so good. i'm trying to go thirty days without being a disgusting pig who eats everything in sight. i can't even think of the last time i went a whole thirty days without binging....its been a long time. so it'll be a big accomplishment. which will hopefully snowball into bigger accomplishments. i want this so much, and i'm trying so hard, i don't see how i can not succeed. i mean, i've been going out and people have been giving me drinks and food and candy, and i've still not gone above my limit once. i know that the longer i go, the harder it will become, but i feel in some way, it will be easier, because this habit of binging is going to be broken. maybe not completely. i know these things take time. but i just feel like i can change this. i just have to be as stubborn about this as i am about everything else. i have say i will and not budge. perhaps if i try hard enough, i can resist the urge forever...

she's so hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

i'm really considering becoming an alcoholic, or taking up some other substance abuse. i mean i feel like i'm high most of the time anyways now, i might as well enjoy it right? that sounds weird, but let me explain. when i get out of control, and by out of control i mean when i am not in control of myself and how i feel and what i do, it feels trippy and like i'm on some sort of drug because it feels so unreal. its hard to explain. i hope that was adequate. anyways i don't like it. so i figure if i actually get something to alter my state of mind, maybe i will start to enjoy this...and also destroy myself like i love to do. finally, a scenario that sounds like a win-win. of course it sounds better than it really is. as much as i want to destroy myself and feel something better than this, i won't do that. i want to, but i won't. so i guess i wasn't ever really considering it. its just another one of my dark fantasies that i spend hours mulling over. ah, my mind is such a magical place....

taming lions

i'm losing control. i can feel it slipping every day. i can't tell you exactly how, i just feel it. and it feels like if i don't hold onto control, i'll consume the world. implode, sucking everything in with me.  so i'm trying to keep control in any way i can. and i'm becoming quite ocd. i mean, when i'm walking i cannot step on a crack. and if i think i'm going to, i hold my breath until i'm clear of the ever-so-dangerous crack. i'm sure i look pretty ridiculous. and i really don't know what else to do. i don't. its scary, when you feel yourself slipping away. what can you really do to stop it? all i can think to do is create a rigid routine and stick to it like my life depends on it. but of course i'm going so fast, i'm not succeeding at that, i'm just succeeding at being freakishly obsessive about things that really don't matter (like how i arrange/eat my pickles...i almost hit my sister for taking a slice and 'messing it up').  and to top it off, i'm having schizo dreams. ....i don't know how much longer i can keep my tenuous grip...

in all seriousness....

people don't take me seriously. i just realized that. or rather, was told so recently. and pondered it...of course after being pissed of for a while. i mean nobody wants to hear that they aren't taken seriously [and the way it was done was totally douche-y and totally uncool]. but i realize that its true. most people don't take me seriously. and its probably because eighty percent [random estimate] of what i do and say in front of people is not serious. but about the other twenty percent i am deadly serious, and it hurts not to have people recognize that. when you try and say something serious and then people laugh as if you were kidding. it sucks. but i kinda set myself up for it. so can i really blame them? no. i can't. because if theres a way to put the blame on me, i will do it. so i've done it. its my fault that people don't take me seriously. 

pause.

wtf is going on.....okay, you know those weird pictures that you have to stare at really close and then slowly back away from so you see the 3d picture in it? and then afterwards, you vision is a little tweaked....well i'm tweaked like that right now, and i have certainly not been looking at any weird pictures....its just one of those i feel high with no drugs moments....calorie high maybe? not sleep deprivation. or could be one of those weird auras...yes thats it [how retarded am i that i forget what something is that i go through all the time]. fuck that means i'm going to have a real bitch soon. grr.

back on point...

do i really want to be taken seriously? most of the time not really. if they take you seriously, they look closer at you. and that gets dangerous. as we know, intimate looks into rachel do not turn out well. i'm such a fool, i've fooled myself....repeatedly. i'm always convinced i have these walls around me that nobody can penetrate and that they can't hurt me, but they do every day. and i let them. because its easier [safer] than the alternative.