so i'm watching this documentary on food, which of course i do all the time. really, that wasn't sarcasm. i watch them as often as i can get my hands on them. back on topic....so in this documentary, they were giving large numbers of deaths caused by heart disease, etc that people in the us are dying from because of our terrible diets. and all i could think about while all those deaths were being marched in front of my eyes was, "why aren't i lucky enough to be one of those numbers?"....not the normal reaction i know. generally, someone would think, "my god, thats awful, we must do something"...or some such like that. i intended to watch the documentary to learn more about food, and develop a better diet plan, but instead all i could think about was geez, maybe i should get fat and then i'll keel over no problem. being that i loathe fat/flesh so much, that would be a difficulty for me. so i'm going to re-watch the film and try not to focus on how to kill myself, but how to feed myself.
and to sort of be complete, i'm looking for info, because my restrictive diet failed, or rather i failed it. i have spent days six and seven eating everything. so yeah, i'm rethinking it. because i need to stop this back and forth shit. eventually i'll get superfat from it, and its making me really really unhealthy, but not in a way that will kill me anytime soon, just in a way thats really really annoying. i mean, i remember, i used to have to sit a certain way for a long time before my feet or arms or whatever would fall asleep. now i sit for a few minutes and my legs are crawling with ants (by that i means the tingling sleepy numb feeling) so i have to shift. see, really really annoying. but its not going to kill me.
its just so hard, i feel all of this pressure....i know that i'm putting it on myself, but that doesn't make it any less....i need to find the right diet and i need to find it now. and it has to be the perfect one. i can't say why the urgency, its just there. saying nownownownownownownow.
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