i'm losing control. i can feel it slipping every day. i can't tell you exactly how, i just feel it. and it feels like if i don't hold onto control, i'll consume the world. implode, sucking everything in with me. so i'm trying to keep control in any way i can. and i'm becoming quite ocd. i mean, when i'm walking i cannot step on a crack. and if i think i'm going to, i hold my breath until i'm clear of the ever-so-dangerous crack. i'm sure i look pretty ridiculous. and i really don't know what else to do. i don't. its scary, when you feel yourself slipping away. what can you really do to stop it? all i can think to do is create a rigid routine and stick to it like my life depends on it. but of course i'm going so fast, i'm not succeeding at that, i'm just succeeding at being freakishly obsessive about things that really don't matter (like how i arrange/eat my pickles...i almost hit my sister for taking a slice and 'messing it up'). and to top it off, i'm having schizo dreams. ....i don't know how much longer i can keep my tenuous grip...
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