i'm really considering becoming an alcoholic, or taking up some other substance abuse. i mean i feel like i'm high most of the time anyways now, i might as well enjoy it right? that sounds weird, but let me explain. when i get out of control, and by out of control i mean when i am not in control of myself and how i feel and what i do, it feels trippy and like i'm on some sort of drug because it feels so unreal. its hard to explain. i hope that was adequate. anyways i don't like it. so i figure if i actually get something to alter my state of mind, maybe i will start to enjoy this...and also destroy myself like i love to do. finally, a scenario that sounds like a win-win. of course it sounds better than it really is. as much as i want to destroy myself and feel something better than this, i won't do that. i want to, but i won't. so i guess i wasn't ever really considering it. its just another one of my dark fantasies that i spend hours mulling over. ah, my mind is such a magical place....
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