lyrical lies

i love music. i really do, because so much of it speaks to me in the moments when i feel so alone. but it just pisses me off to hear some of the songs about pain and death and those types of things. i mean i love the songs they're good and all, but they're all asking for help or to be saved and its just frustrating to me. why does no musician seem to recognize that only you can save yourself, and screaming for someone else to do it is pointless? these songs are always telling you that you need to search outside of yourself, you need someone else to be okay. lies, lies, and more lies. i mean, yes of course, it would be so fantastic and easy if superman would come and make everything bad inside go away. but no one person has that power. believing that is just delusion, and it builds an unhealthy dependence on another person, and most people break under all that pressure and leave you in shambles all over again. most everyone i know who hasn't been broken already would tell me that i'm just being cynical and pessimistic and that people really are good and help make other people okay. but they can't show me one example of that. not one. but they still believe....i guess you just have to be lost to know nobody can find you.

some people have their blankies, i have tools of destruction

its ridiculous, but the things that comfort me and calm me the most are things that harm/destroy me. sometimes i don't have to even utilize them; just having them there, knowing i can use them if i want is enough. but thats not today. today is a day where i need to hurt. to bleed. to feel real before i disappear. to hold tightly onto everything that will destroy me as if my life depends on it. in times of semi-normalcy, i tend to put the tools/weapons as far out of my reach as possible. but i always know exactly where there are, and i imagine retrieving them, holding them, using them. i spend hours every day fantasizing about all the ways i can destroy myself; when i have a need to, i am fully prepared. today is no exception. soon, i will have everything lined up next to me and i will feel safe. i will feel secure, because i can protect myself from the enemy that is my body. i can retaliate when it attacks. wrap me in danger and i'll be alright.

i should be dead by now

that's all i can think of tonight. i should be dead by now. thats what you get when you're bipolar and unmedicated....one week i'm all optimistic and happy happy joy joy and then the next i'm all doom and gloom. but really, i never thought i would live this long....i'm not sure exactly what my reasoning behind that was; i guess i thought i would do myself in somehow seeing as i'm so self destructive. either i would get myself into a dangerous situation as i often have before because i really don't care about my personal safety, or i would take my life in a deep depression. i mean, gosh i'm almost twenty two. i never even expected to be twenty, let alone on my way to mid-twenties. i think i need to man up and get it over with already....

slowly but surely

this month has been really hard, and really crappy. i started it out with high hopes, and then crashed into darkness. but i'm turning that around. i'm working really hard every single day to become someone that i'm happy to be, that i can love. i don't like myself. i loathe myself and think that i don't deserve to live. but i've decided who i want to be and i'm working towards that. each little thing that i do that gets me closer to that makes me proud and helps me be confident in myself. like i want to be someone who doesn't let people walk all over them, and the other day, i let go of someone who only really ever hurt me. it may seem small, but for me that's a huge step and i was super proud of that. just that one thing, really picked me up and gave me confidence that if i can stand up for myself like that, like i never have, then i can turn this month around. these next two weeks may be rocky, but i know i can get out alive. i will make it one year. 

ah, my sweet february

dear february,

i hate your stinking guts.  i really wanted to make this year different. but you have shown me that i am not capable of such a thing, all i have ever been and ever will be is a loathsome creature.  which of course is not a good feeling....so duh i fucking hate you february.  i'm doing all that i can to hold myself together in these dark days of yours, but you are quite malicious.  funny how that is, you the month of love and romance for most, are a month of despair and destruction for me.  i don't really have a point to this letter to you, i just had to bitch at you cause you fucking suck. so fuck you, and please go away soon.

rachel

lessons in desire

i used to claim i wasn't actually suicidal, that it was just my bi-polar depression. i know better now. i'm hypo-manic, and still all i want is death. well of course i want other things, but that's what i want most of all. sometimes i just feel like saying to myself, "rachel, stop being a whiny bitch and just do it already". but as i am still typing, obviously that fantasy hasn't panned out. i've learned a lot, finding out i'm crazy, finding a medication that makes me feel okay, and then suddenly going unmedicated. its shown me that the way i am is not okay. its shown me that life doesn't have to be this hard. but i've also learned that there are some things pills can never fix. stabilizing your moods doesn't get rid of all your desires. if i ever got back on medication, i probably would still very much want death. so my life can be better, it can be easier to be me, but i'll never be unbroken.  in what feels like the home stretch of this monumental year in my life, i'm doubting whether i have it in me to make it to the finish line. the next time, it will be real. it will be final, and i feel it coming on....because i am suicidal.

hip hip hooray

i love when you find a way to blend your goals with your life and make your behavior seem normal and be accepted by friends. i guess its not that hard, because everyone in america is a little eating disordered, but it still feels lovely. i have declared this month "fit february" for me and my friends, and we're all going to work out together four days a week the whole month. so when they noticing me losing weight (if they ever do because usually no one ever notices) i'll have a legit reason that they can file away in their head and everyone will be happy and noone will try to fatten me up. people actually try to do that, even when i'm at my fat weight. its some kind of sick transferrence i think. yes, i'm a small girl, but that doesn't mean i need to be obese to make up for what i lack vertically geez.  so hooray for fit february! hooray for me making up themes for the current month! hooray for hypomania (can you tell much?) and being on track...hooray :)