i used to claim i wasn't actually suicidal, that it was just my bi-polar depression. i know better now. i'm hypo-manic, and still all i want is death. well of course i want other things, but that's what i want most of all. sometimes i just feel like saying to myself, "rachel, stop being a whiny bitch and just do it already". but as i am still typing, obviously that fantasy hasn't panned out. i've learned a lot, finding out i'm crazy, finding a medication that makes me feel okay, and then suddenly going unmedicated. its shown me that the way i am is not okay. its shown me that life doesn't have to be this hard. but i've also learned that there are some things pills can never fix. stabilizing your moods doesn't get rid of all your desires. if i ever got back on medication, i probably would still very much want death. so my life can be better, it can be easier to be me, but i'll never be unbroken. in what feels like the home stretch of this monumental year in my life, i'm doubting whether i have it in me to make it to the finish line. the next time, it will be real. it will be final, and i feel it coming on....because i am suicidal.
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