its ridiculous, but the things that comfort me and calm me the most are things that harm/destroy me. sometimes i don't have to even utilize them; just having them there, knowing i can use them if i want is enough. but thats not today. today is a day where i need to hurt. to bleed. to feel real before i disappear. to hold tightly onto everything that will destroy me as if my life depends on it. in times of semi-normalcy, i tend to put the tools/weapons as far out of my reach as possible. but i always know exactly where there are, and i imagine retrieving them, holding them, using them. i spend hours every day fantasizing about all the ways i can destroy myself; when i have a need to, i am fully prepared. today is no exception. soon, i will have everything lined up next to me and i will feel safe. i will feel secure, because i can protect myself from the enemy that is my body. i can retaliate when it attacks. wrap me in danger and i'll be alright.
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