just a little bit....

so i'm over the halfway point. i'm on day twelve of my twenty day fast. go me :) i tested myself by cooking food for others (3 times) and each time i was able to gracefully refuse to eat. now i just have to pass the second test, going out (tomorrow night eeek). my weight loss has already started slowing down, but i know it will pick up now that i'm going back to work and i'm going to be walking the 3miles there and then home again. exercise always helps me speed up weight loss. so hopefully i will reach 108 before the fast is over....that would just make me soooo happy. i'm so close to it. 112 right now. which is still disgusting. for me, anything above 108 is loathesome and unacceptable. i keep looking in the mirror, to see if i see a difference yet, and i really can't. i still see loads and loads of flesh and thats all i see. i have a long way to go before i see my beautiful bones. but i know i have the strength to get there. i will do this.

lies lies lies yeah

so yesterday i got sent home from work after two hours because i was vomiting. i told them all that i thought i caught something at the lake the day before, but the truth is that i know its from not eating for several days, and then taking too many laxies. so i've laid of the laxies and hopefully i will make it through work today and i will tell them the lovely lie "it must have been a 24hr bug". but everything i'm feeling makes me feel good inside, because i know its all taking me to my goal. i've already lost four pounds. only about twenty more to go lol. well eight till my first goal. i will be at most 108 by the time i go to vegas. my friends that i am going with are so slim, i refuse to be the fleshy friend. i know i have the strength to do this. i've suffered worse pain, and without any reward. i'm fasting for thirteen more days for sure. and then we'll see at that point if i'm allowed food. i have this evil hope in the back of my mind that on my long walk to work one of these days i'll pass out....i don't know why i want that, but i do. i guess its because it would be a great way to punish myself without seeming directly to blame. i can just say 'oh, i've been walking so much, and the heat...'  but it doesn't really matter right now. right now, i just have to make it through today. put on my perky mask and recite the lies told a thousand times before. because i will be thin.

the defenition of perfect

i know my friends love me, but they don't always know whats best for me. i mean any time i lose even a little bit of weight, they say i'm getting 'too' thin. even if i've only lost like five pounds and i'm still (for me) in the fat range. my fatter sister told me the other day that i'm at the perfect weight right now, that i shouldn't lose anything except maybe tone a little (funny though, she later mentioned that girls who have absolutely no fat anywhere and are just bones are perfect). yeah, no. theres no way i'm staying at this fat ass fleshy weight. i look disgusting, how am i the only one that sees this? so i know they want me to be happy and healthy, but thats not how i'm playing this. because in my quest to be healthy for them, i've stopped all destructive activity and its killing me. so i'm holding on to this one little thing. i'm losing weight, and i'm not doing it the healthy way. i'm going to starve, abuse laxatives, over exercise, whatever it takes to reach my goal and the next. i need this. i need this to not cry every time i look in the mirror. to not go completely insane. in this instance, bad is best for me. 

i don't wanna waste another minute here

right now i hate everything. i just want to close my eyes and have everything fade away. i hate my body that tortures me with pain and then craves and craves until i feed it, and in doing so create flesh that i loathe. i hate the people who i love, who in the end do nothing but leave me by myself to cry. i hate the sun for shining so brightly and electronics for not being reliable. ....i think you got the message. i fucking hate everything. i thought i was winning the struggle. i thought that i was starting to appreciate life, and actually want to live it. but the minute i have some time to myself to reflect, i see that nothing has changed. i still don't want this. i've just been so busy i didn't have time to think about anything. aren't days off lovely? i keep trying to make changes in my life, because i know that i can't continue on the way i have been, but its so hard to make anything happen. i try, and life goes "fuck you, you're stuck with this sad lot i gave you and thats that". well not really, but it sure feels that way. but i will keep trying, and maybe someday soon someone will put me out of my misery. a girl can dream ; )

bitches and whores

yesterday i chose life, and i was feeling strangely hopeful. and then i reached out to my friends and they couldn't be there for me. i was trying to do the healthy-un-self-destructive thing, and i get a lecture about how you can't rely on people, that you have to learn to be there for yourself. what a fucking slap in the face. or am i wrong to feel that way? because i mean i hardly ever reach out, because i know that people won't be there, that its only me. but the way i do things, my friends say is 'bad'. so they say go to them. and i try, and they give me a lecture on self reliance. ouch. yeah i sure wanna change my ways now. NOT. OBVIOUSLY. this just confirms all the things the 'bad' voices have been telling me for years. yet somehow i'm still supposed to stop being self destructive and do whats 'good'. fucking bullshit. i'm not superwoman. OBVIOUSLY. i'm not going to force myself to puke sunshine and rainbows because my asshole 'friends' are worried about me. its my fucking life. and i'm going to stop doing what they want. if i want to do something, and i think they won't like it, all the more reason to do it. i know that stupid and spiteful, but seriously if theres one thing i can't stand, its lies. and when you say you'll be there and then aren't, and then on top of that turn it around on me, i am inclined to spite you. oh god i needed this vent so hard. FUCKING PEOPLE!!!

life's a bitch, can i die already?

i went back to school because everyone was telling me thats what i should do. but i really don't care. i don't care about anything. because no matter how much money i make, or how many people love me, i will always always be in this much pain. but here i am. alive. putting up with this pain. because i love people. and i want to be here for them. and i don't want to hurt them by leaving. but in order to be there for them, i have to take care of myself. which i suck at. because i don't matter. stupid catch 22. fucking world. 

that one thing.

what is that book where there are twin boys, and one of them finds this place where time goes super fast and he goes there for a year but when he comes out less than a day has passed? i really can't remember the title. but i'm pretty sure its assigned to everyone in middle/high school. well anyways, i've always wanted to find a place like that. so i can just go away for a while and make myself perfect, and when i come back to the real world everything will have stayed the same and i'll be able to pick back up right where i left off. thats a huge fantasy of mine. i want it to happen so bad sometimes. if there was a way i could just pause everything, and just work on me, and then come back to the world, i would do it in a heartbeat. but there isn't. the world waits for no one. fucking selfish world. but i feel like thats what i need right now. i just need to go away and just make myself right.but thats impossible.i have to try and make myself right while living life at the same time. and i don't think i can do that. i'm so tired. everything is so draining, so much effort. i can't do this.