ah, my sweet february

dear february,

i hate your stinking guts.  i really wanted to make this year different. but you have shown me that i am not capable of such a thing, all i have ever been and ever will be is a loathsome creature.  which of course is not a good feeling....so duh i fucking hate you february.  i'm doing all that i can to hold myself together in these dark days of yours, but you are quite malicious.  funny how that is, you the month of love and romance for most, are a month of despair and destruction for me.  i don't really have a point to this letter to you, i just had to bitch at you cause you fucking suck. so fuck you, and please go away soon.

rachel

lessons in desire

i used to claim i wasn't actually suicidal, that it was just my bi-polar depression. i know better now. i'm hypo-manic, and still all i want is death. well of course i want other things, but that's what i want most of all. sometimes i just feel like saying to myself, "rachel, stop being a whiny bitch and just do it already". but as i am still typing, obviously that fantasy hasn't panned out. i've learned a lot, finding out i'm crazy, finding a medication that makes me feel okay, and then suddenly going unmedicated. its shown me that the way i am is not okay. its shown me that life doesn't have to be this hard. but i've also learned that there are some things pills can never fix. stabilizing your moods doesn't get rid of all your desires. if i ever got back on medication, i probably would still very much want death. so my life can be better, it can be easier to be me, but i'll never be unbroken.  in what feels like the home stretch of this monumental year in my life, i'm doubting whether i have it in me to make it to the finish line. the next time, it will be real. it will be final, and i feel it coming on....because i am suicidal.

hip hip hooray

i love when you find a way to blend your goals with your life and make your behavior seem normal and be accepted by friends. i guess its not that hard, because everyone in america is a little eating disordered, but it still feels lovely. i have declared this month "fit february" for me and my friends, and we're all going to work out together four days a week the whole month. so when they noticing me losing weight (if they ever do because usually no one ever notices) i'll have a legit reason that they can file away in their head and everyone will be happy and noone will try to fatten me up. people actually try to do that, even when i'm at my fat weight. its some kind of sick transferrence i think. yes, i'm a small girl, but that doesn't mean i need to be obese to make up for what i lack vertically geez.  so hooray for fit february! hooray for me making up themes for the current month! hooray for hypomania (can you tell much?) and being on track...hooray :)

somebody to lean on

yesterday i woke up feeling like it was the end. it was a really hard morning. and then i decided, you know what, my sister is right there, i just need to go to her and she will help me get through this. and she did. just having her there for me helped the day turn around, and now i feel fantastic, like genuinely fantastic. i think i'm finally learning who i can count on, and what i need to do for myself to get through it. i'm kinda proud. i've always known that its good to have a support system and rely on that to help you through things, but at the same time i felt like i'll only really ever be able to rely on myself so i have to handle all of this alone. and i'm starting to let go of that crazy second notion. maybe i can do this.

what's a girl to do...

and it's all the same. i'm sitting here, and even though i'm in a completely different house, have a different job and different friends, everythings the same inside as it was last year. you try so hard, and nothing changes.  i don't know what else to do. and i'm so tired. i feel like, if life was like it was in the show 'dead like me', a long time ago someone failed to remove my soul and now it's rotten. but of course life isn't a tv show. who even knows what a soul is. i don't know one single person who can clearly define it. but nevermind that, this isn't about souls. this is about exercises in futility, namely me. i keep trying and keep trying and nothing changes. i can't fix me. i can't make myself function like this. so if i quit trying, what is left? the only option i see is to give up. but i promised. i promised. i suppose there are other ways to give up trying besides death...but surrendering to the madness is just such a frightening prospect; who knows what i might do. i keep thinking to myself, "what if i had never been diagnosed, and i thought this was normal would i still be fighting?", and i think not. i think that, no matter what i'm aware of, my body is gonna do what it wants to me, and make me feel these things...i mean i felt these things before and i'm continuing to feel them whether a doctor says its a disorder or not. so i'm pretty sure whether or not i realized i was mentally ill in my freshman year, that i still would have ruined everything because i would have gone through the same cycles anyways. so pretending is not an option that will work, based on that line of thought.  but i've always been very good at deluding myself....but no, no thats not an option. so what then? what is there?

the straw that broke the camel's back

i'm still stuck on that....what he did. he opened a door, and i can't close it. i can't make her go away. i've been trying and trying and her whispers just grow stronger and more frequent. its so hard not to listen to her, she who ruled my world for so long. she's even following me in my dreams, telling me what a worthless awful creature i am. i don't want to be awake, because there she is, and i don't want to be asleep, because there she is...i don't remember how to silence her or shut her away.  part of me wants to fight, and you know that might be what does it, fighting her. but the will to do so is not there. i don't disagree with anything she says. i am a piece of trash. nobody will every truly love me or care about me. i deserve all the badness in the world, all of the terrible things. i have earned them just by existing...i do not belong here, i should not be here. but i am too weak even to leave. silly, gullible me, i believe them when they say they love me and they want me. that person, who did this, doesn't exist anymore. but she's in my head forever....  every other time, i could lock her away after a day or so....its been a week. i have no hope anymore

its not me, its you

i have a really hard time being mad at people when i should. usually i have that initial flash of irritation, and then i feel so guilty and i turn it around and attack myself. thats a big problem for me. so i'm really really proud of myself, that for once i'm not doing that. a friend was an asshole, and at first i did what i normally do. i snapped at him and then  i apologized and i was ready to attack myself. but it was just such a big thing, that i couldn't let myself be attacked. so i rescinded my apology, and directed the anger where it belongs- towards the asshole. and i haven't talked to that friend since, and i could care less. i feel so great. i can't stop feeling proud of myself and good for finally sticking up and being all, no this isn't me being crazy, you were an asshole. i mean i didn't say that. i really haven't said anything. but he knows im pissed. and i haven't attacked myself for what he did at all. i just hope i can keep this kind of good behavior up...i'm discovering being good to myself feels good. all i know how to do is to tear myself down and punish/destroy me. its what i do. when anything happens, thats my initial instinct, attack self. heck, i do it when nothing happens. its not fun, i don't want to do it. i don't get any enjoyment out of it, i just have to. the thing is, i can't explain why. there is no reason it just has to happen like that. and maybe i can change that. maybe i can have this feeling all the time...*sigh* i don't know why i get my hopes up like this. its just gonna be a huge let down when i'm back to torturing myself in a few days.