the blissful unaware

sometimes, you can let yourself forget. you can believe in the pretty little lies that you shower on the world because that is what they need want. and then you leave fantasy land when you leave the people you created the fantasy for. maybe that's why the general population is so afraid of being alone. because they are afraid to face the truth in themselves. maybe that's why i'm alone always. because i need to have the truth with me always, i'm afraid of forgetting. .....i know the dangers of forgetting. i mean, its lovely to forget. to lose myself in the illusions. but its a fine line to the delusions, and then i'm out of control. out of money, out of respect, and goodness knows what else...i've never taken it too far because there was always someone there watching, to slap my face and snap me back. how fortunate am i, to have someone to save me without me even crying out? ha. that was half sarcasm. i don't want to be saved. what person with a death wish does? but it is quite fortunate that i do have such caring people in my life....unfortunately that makes for a miserable alive rachel. every day, i get up and i sprinkle lies while working myself to the bone, and then i come home and i just collapse under the weight of it all....if i believed it, if i let myself be dangerous, maybe it wouldn't feel so heavy. maybe this time, everyone else is lost in their own fantasy, and won't make me real again....not with my luck, but it couldn't hurt to try :p

surrender

im lying here, because its bedtime, because its the responsible thing to do when i have work so early in the morning. but i just cant sleep. because when i stop doing things to distract myself from sleeping, like reading or whatever, i just start crying because my mind just goes right back to where its not supposed to be. which, if it isnt obvious, is suicide ideation. the whispers and screams inside my head say the same things.....surrender....you dont have to fight anymore.....take the easy way, let the madness take over...surrender....give in to the madness....let go.....give up, give in....stop trying..... part of me feels like if i can just trigger mania, i can make all these thoughts go away and it will be okay, but you just cant do that. thats the whole thing with bipolar, you dont get to say when. this is life. always. god i hope the apocalypse really is next year.

it is that bad

i've been thinking of moving across the country, because a relative of mine has promised that if i move there, they will see to it that i'm medicated. and i've told people that i'm considering this. and today, someone said something like "you don't need medication that bad to go and live there".....but i do. its hurtful to me when people try and tell me, even if not outright, that i'm not as ill as i think i am. i'm not deluding myself. i'm not making excuses so that i don't have to deal with shit. it really is that bad. i really am that sick. and i know this with every fiber of my being. i have been delusion before, i know what it feels like, and i know whats real and what isn't real. what i see now, how i percieve my mental state(s), that is one hundred percent real. i'm not saying this to brag, i'm saying this because its the truth: i am an intelligent woman who is capable of doing so much, i have so much potential....but without medical help it's like i can't access any of it. its a form of torture. i know that i could be so magnificent, but i'm trapped by my brain and it dulls me. i don't mean that its boring to me, i mean that i become duller as a person...let me put it this way; some people claim that when they medicate themselves they feel like a zombie, a lesser version of themselves and they stop taking the medication so that they can go back to being alive. and i feel pretty much the reverse. hmm i have a new saying i think....give me meds or give me death!

not exactly the case

you know, a lot of people think that people overeat to deal with emotions. emotional eating they call it, eat to deal with the hurt inside. and i realized i eat to deal with physical hurt. now what do you call that? i don't think there is a term. because generally, when people have physical pain, they take a pill or something....or just suck it up. but apparently i'm too weak, so i eat to deal. little bitch. you know, you think after eight years, i would have a better coping method. and i guess i have various coping methods for my physical pain, but no matter what i do, i always seem to come back to food. and you know the sad thing, it really does work. yes, i feel like crap emotionally, but physically it actually helps. somehow it switches my focus so i can build that mental wall back up to block the pain (mostly). i think thats the most irritating thing, not the habit itself, but that it works. and i have to kick it. one of the few things that works, and its shit. it tears me apart emotionally......fuck me

a look inside my wild mind

okay, so not like its a possibility or anything, because i don't have a sex life, but it would be the worst thing ever if i was pregnant. random, of course. but on one of my tv shows, a character unexpectedly discovered she was pregnant and it was like a bomb dropping, ya know? and i just feel that's how it would be for me. and that's making me reconsider my decision to get a sex life. because i was really thinking about it. but when you throw in that remote possibility..... i mean, i don't want to have children ever. like pushing a creature out of my vagina is nowhere in my life plan. in fact its in my life plan to make that impossible. and part of me feels so guilty for that. because so many people out there want to get pregnant and have children and a family.....i feel like i'm being an ungrateful wench. but i'm not. i mean everyone has a right to live their lives in their own way, and this is mine. childless. and sexless, i guess, until i get myself fixed. or until i get manic enough to not care. gosh, where is all of this even coming from?! it has nothing to with what's on my mind right now, which is bingebingebingebinge followed by counteractcounteractcounteract .....right now i feel like i either need to be stuffing my face (more), or running myself to the point of vomiting........its all about the punishment either way i'm a bad bad girl and i need to be destroyed. mostly right now i'm leaning towards counteracting stuffs like overexercising and such....which is an improvement in some ways. kinda makes me proud. but everything is still negative and i'm still  being irrational and harmful ....... *sigh* in this hypomanicy state, everything is so confusing....because i feel good, being hypo, but i still have those negative feelings and that urge to destroy myself for being bad. its terrible, because its like you're given  the best thing ever, but only to look at, you can't actually have it. but you know, when i think about it, what would i choose, to be happy, and be some indeterminate weight that in my mind is fat but in the average mind is okay, or to be unhappy and have the chance to be empty and oh so skinny.....well when you've had that high, how can you choose anything else? how can you stop trying to get that feeling back, no matter what it does to you? you know, all truth be told, i have never felt so good as when i've been empty. ......this is so tangential and silly i'm just going to end it, but i'll be going on and on in my head all night

f is for failing

sdlkfjvcoibgu.ofiudsflidjfkdlcbjcvlkbcdjalksdfjsadlkf!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was feeling so good, so together this morning and then i come home from work and i just consume. i wasn't actually hungry, i wasn't punishing myself, i just had to eat. i'm just so mad at myself, that i can't even make it twenty four hours without stuffing my face. i'm such a fat failure. i can't even put into to words how much i hate myself right now. but i'm not going to do anything bad to myself. as much as i want to, i won't. because i'm going to call someone or text someone or something...just reach out so i don't do something dangerous because i'm a bad girl who needs to be punished.... slfdjsdlkfjdslk!!!! i don't know if i can do it, i've called two people and they're not there. i don't know if i can let myself reach out any more today. i mean, calling more than one person is a big thing.....beyond two, omg. i feel like, this is a time for like hardcore punishment, and i'm trying so so hard not to give in to that. but i don't know if i can stop myself, if i can't get anyone to stop me.......

home invasion

so i'm having a roommate move in. which isn't such a big deal you would think, because when i first moved in here, she was living in the basement with me, while the other two were living upstairs. but she's just so hard to live with. she's just really judgemental and snoopy. so i have to clean up everything, because otherwise she bitches and bitches, even though she makes plenty of the mess. and i have to hide anything personal, because she'll get into it and create a big dramatic mess. and it's setting me on edge just thinking about it. your home should be somewhere where you can relax, but with her around i'm not going to be able to. the most frustrating thing for me here, is that she has no room to judge me. she's fat, twenty six years old, and having to live with her brother because she can't keep a job because she's so irresponsible. ...... even though i have absolutely no respect for her, i know that i will still try to be perfect for her (as a roomie)....i'm such a freak