i hate the game. and the player.

growing up, i was always told life is a game.that was the big secret of life that i was given. the most important part being, its okay to break the rules AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GET CAUGHT. and i got caught breaking the rules. so i'm pretty down on myself. i don't remember the part about making sure its worth the possible consequences, but right about now i sure as hell wish i had. i now officially have a criminal record. fuck me. i really cannot stop beating myself up emotionally or physically for this. as if my life wasn't fucked enough, as if i weren't fucked enough, i have to go and get caught shoplifting from walmart. which, by the way, is so not worth it. after five years, i guess i finally get that. stupid fucking rachel. make up your mind about life already!!!! do you want to give up and be shit and die soonish, or live and be something other than shit and not think about dying?

.....i wanna give up. every day i spend hours thinking about how much i don't want to live and  how much i want to break the promise i made that i would stick around. but i'm not doing anything about these thoughts. and i'm not doing anything to live my life either.....i can't be stagnant forever.

i really have to spin the wheel and make my move.

'

let it bleed

i'm afraid. of a lot of things. but one of things i'm afraid of the most, is needing. once i start something, i feel like i have to keep doing it over and over....shoving pieces of gum in my mouth, doing my nails, whatever it is once i let myself need it a little, a whole flood of needing rushes in....so if i really get into the super unhealthy stuff, cutting, starving, etc, well then i'll need it too. also i fear needing people. like i said just needing is a fear. i try to supress need but it jumps back up. right now i'm worried about the need for self harm. i've wanted to take it to another level for a while, but the fear is holding me to the edge....i'm not sure if i want to take the plunge...if the possible consequences are worth the relief. i keep pressing the blade into my flesh. so hard i can still see the imprint of its presence, but still not hard enough for the skin to break. for blood to flow. those harsh lines give me no release. i want to be released. i'm trying, but not hard enough. its never enough. i have to make the plunge. i keep thinking that i'm drawing blood, but nope. maybe i can't bleed like i can't vomit. i will make myself bleed. all these marks and no blood!!!!! food will stop being the punishment. i will pay with blood. ....well i'm at the point of bursting blood vessels now, so thats an improvement. i give up for now...i've been trying for hours....i will take that plunge. i will not do the 'right thing' and tell someone. i will be strong. and try again.

i will i will i will

i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. i will say no to food. monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday. friday. saturday. sunday. monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday. friday. saturday. sunday. fourteen days. i will do it. fourteen days is what i deserve. that will be my penance. the price i must pay for being such a bad bad rachel. 

my reward for completing this task will be as great as the strength it will take.

yakety yak, don't talk back

not to be one of those silly people who are like "nobody understands me, nobody possibly could understand the pain i feel", but seriously it pisses me off when complete strangers think they get what i go through every day. like tonight, at this party, i don't know how we got on the topic, but somehow my being depressed came up. and this stupid guy kept telling me all of the things i've heard a million times before. and i explicitly told him, i've heard everything he said before, i don't care, it doesn't matter to me, and i don't want to be saved. and yet he kept trying to convince me that i needed to be positive. he said he had been at rock bottom, because he had been a meth addict for a year. a year. so there was a year in his life where he put substances in his body that fucked his life up. yeah, thats totally comparable to my situation. not. i was fucking born this way. my whole life. i did nothing to put myself here. its always been this way, and it will always be this way. its not like i can get over my addiction and the world will again be filled with sunshine. because i don't have a fucking addiction. and there never was sunshine. my world is a world of pain and suffering. there is no bright side to look at. thinking positively is only deluding myself and causing myself greater harm in the long run. but fucking assholes like that don't understand that. because they don't listen to what i tell them. they hear what they want to hear. so they can keep hearing their own voices, and feel like they're saving someone. i don't want a drunk asshole to save me. because he can't. nothing you say will help me. listen when i tell you this please, or next time i might give in to the urge to punch you.

i'm ready for war

i want so many things so badly, and i just can't seem to try hard enough to achieve them. here i am, with nothing to do but sit at home all day and dedicate myself to getting what i want and i do just the opposite. which makes me really really hate myself. but i just feel pain and all i wanna do is make myself numb. i don't wanna work through it or push through it....shutting the blinds and curling up in bed is the most delicious sounding thing ever.....i hate myself i'm such a lazy lazy bitch. i need to push through. i should be stronger than my body. i should be controlling it, not letting it control me. i need to stop being a weak little bitch and hiding every time the monsters come for me....i will win this war!

i didn't call for the white horse, you've got the wrong address

everyone's always trying to fix me with their words. but i don't ask for it. and they get so upset when it makes no difference. does anyone ever stop and think? or am i the only one to use my brain, and think, 'gee this person isn't asking for my help or advice so i probably shouldn't give it to them'. i mean i get it that people care and want to see me happy and okay and whatever, but words will not change anything. they all say variations of the same thing. that i am loved and wonderful and have so much ahead of me blah blah blah things will get better blah blah blah. i always listen, to see if they say anything new, or to see if suddenly something clicks and i'm all 'i see now, it will be okay'. but of course that never happens. and then they get all upset because i 'don't care' and theres 'nothing they can do for me'. well people, just shut the fuck up for a minute! this is not about you. i mean, i know everyones world is about them, but when you're focusing on someone else, and their problems, it is about that someone else. but somehow, its still about them and how they feel and what they can do. thats wrong. its my problems. it should be about me and how i feel. when i feel i need help or advice i'll damn well ask for it. i am not a problem for you to fix so you can feel better because you have done a good deed. not every lost soul is waiting for someone to come show them the way. i am rapunzel, and i don't want any prince to climb my hair. i'm content to sit here and figure out if out there is where i want to be. and when i decide, then i might let down my hair.

things got ugly

today was just awful. i was doing good this morning, i had just one small apple, and i made it last several hours and i did fifteen minutes of pilates(had to stop muscles were cramping) etc, and then around ten thirty i just lost it, and i went into the kitchen and had a binge....the worst part tho was afterward. i tried to purge but its really hard for me to do, so i only got a little bit of it up, and i was really really upset and freaking out so i took a lot of laxatives and so i've spent most of the day either lying in bed clutching my swollen belly or on the toilet. and i still feel like i haven't got it out of me. it has to be out of me. i can't have eaten that food. it was too much, i know its going to stick to me like glue and when i wake up in the morning i'll be obese....this was the one thing i wasn't going to fail at, and i already have. i knew i should've just fasted forever....once i eat something i suddenly have to eat everything....and i was gonna have a binge free may dammit.