growing up, i was always told life is a game.that was the big secret of life that i was given. the most important part being, its okay to break the rules AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GET CAUGHT. and i got caught breaking the rules. so i'm pretty down on myself. i don't remember the part about making sure its worth the possible consequences, but right about now i sure as hell wish i had. i now officially have a criminal record. fuck me. i really cannot stop beating myself up emotionally or physically for this. as if my life wasn't fucked enough, as if i weren't fucked enough, i have to go and get caught shoplifting from walmart. which, by the way, is so not worth it. after five years, i guess i finally get that. stupid fucking rachel. make up your mind about life already!!!! do you want to give up and be shit and die soonish, or live and be something other than shit and not think about dying?
.....i wanna give up. every day i spend hours thinking about how much i don't want to live and how much i want to break the promise i made that i would stick around. but i'm not doing anything about these thoughts. and i'm not doing anything to live my life either.....i can't be stagnant forever.
i really have to spin the wheel and make my move.
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