let it bleed

i'm afraid. of a lot of things. but one of things i'm afraid of the most, is needing. once i start something, i feel like i have to keep doing it over and over....shoving pieces of gum in my mouth, doing my nails, whatever it is once i let myself need it a little, a whole flood of needing rushes in....so if i really get into the super unhealthy stuff, cutting, starving, etc, well then i'll need it too. also i fear needing people. like i said just needing is a fear. i try to supress need but it jumps back up. right now i'm worried about the need for self harm. i've wanted to take it to another level for a while, but the fear is holding me to the edge....i'm not sure if i want to take the plunge...if the possible consequences are worth the relief. i keep pressing the blade into my flesh. so hard i can still see the imprint of its presence, but still not hard enough for the skin to break. for blood to flow. those harsh lines give me no release. i want to be released. i'm trying, but not hard enough. its never enough. i have to make the plunge. i keep thinking that i'm drawing blood, but nope. maybe i can't bleed like i can't vomit. i will make myself bleed. all these marks and no blood!!!!! food will stop being the punishment. i will pay with blood. ....well i'm at the point of bursting blood vessels now, so thats an improvement. i give up for now...i've been trying for hours....i will take that plunge. i will not do the 'right thing' and tell someone. i will be strong. and try again.