resisting temptation

ugh. i really hate life. a lot. i'm sitting here the morning after a superfun night of karaoke and other awesome things, and i should be loving it. there is something severely wrong with me. well i guess that was already established. but it never ceases to amaze me. i mean here i am, this fun, pretty, young woman surrounded by people that love me and still all i want is death. all i want is for all of it to just go away. actually for me to just go away from all of it. every day that gets more and more appealing. you think the appeal would be diminishing not growing. how long can one resist something that grows in appeal every day? i mean its like they expect me to be superwoman.  if they had any opportunities to get the one thing they want most in the world, i'm sure they would take them. who could help themselves? but i'm supposed to say no all of the time. bullshit.

when left is right

so i've been trying the new approach, and i like it. because i'm still hurting myself, so i'm still fulfilling my need to punish myself and make myself suffer, but its not ruining everything as much. instead of binging when i felt like not eating, i just didn't eat. and my waistline thanks me. instead of drinking too much when i really didn't feel like drinking, i didn't drink. and i felt good, but excluded being the only sober one so i was still getting punished. i haven't felt like cutting myself or anything like that, so we'll see how that goes when i get there. but so far, this going with the initial impulse is good. it makes me feel more in control somehow. which i know, seems ridiculous because giving into impulse is like the opposite of control, but thats how it feels. but we'll see how this works long term...i've only been really doing it for a week. it was hard to start doing. so i'm sure it'll be hard to continue. but i'm sure i'm up to the task. after all, i am superwoman :p

another angle

today was crisis mode. well i guess every day that i'm left alone with myself is crisis mode. but it just brought up another thing that bugs me. i'm kind of an extremist. i can't find the good middle ground. whenever i feel the urge to do something destructive, i go overboard in the other direction to keep myself from doing that thing; when i want to starve myself, i force a binge (as i did today). when i want to cut myself, i make my body hurt in various other ways. and in the end, almost every time, i would be better off giving in to my initial urges. so thats the approach i'm going to try from now on. i actually think it might be good for me. relatively speaking that is. i'm not completely insane. i realize that almost nothing i do in regards to myself is healthy, but some things are less so than others. maybe i don't have to turn every second into a monumental battle. maybe sometimes it can just be a small skirmish.  maybe i don't have to punish myself for things i've only thought about. maybe i can do those things and punish myself later. we'll see how this new approach works...         

girl on the verge

thats what i am. i feel like i'm always on the verge of something. just waiting for something to stop me from totally  going overboard. maybe i'm already over and i don't know it. because i feel like i've been teetering for a long time now, yet i feel so much closer to falling the more that time goes by....but in my head, i still tell myself that i haven't fallen. that i could pull back from the edge anytime i wanted, if only i wanted. that i haven't gone too far.....i am in control. but am i? am i really in control of myself? or have i again deluded myself to that fact? how do you really even know? my first instinct would be to consult someone for an outside perspective, but i don't really have an inclination to do so. i don't want to tell people all that i feel i'm on the precipice of. and they would rather not hear it. i guess i won't really be able to tell till i've smashed head first into the ground and i'm all twisted and mangled and theres nothing anybody can do. which, in a sick way is comforting. that maybe i can destroy myself, without actively breaking any promises.  it'll be like humpty dumpty. if you sit on a narrow wall, eventually you're going to fall. and when you're as fragile as an egg, well that'll be the end

 ....and all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put humpty together again.

slice slice baby....

as always, today was a wonderful day filled with joy and smiles. not. i spent a good part of the day holding onto a sharp knife and trying to convince myself that i should not give in to the urge to mutilate myself with it. i really wanted to make myself bleed. but because that is against the rules, and i suck at it anyways, i settled for slapping myself with a knife. and of course that just infuriated me more, because i don't bruise very easily. so even though i was whapping the hell out of myself, to the point where large sections of my body were completely numb, i have nothing to show for it. which i guess is a good thing, if i want to 'get away with it' and not have anyone know. but i really don't give a damn about that. i just wanna see my body punished. and i can't make it bleed, so i thought i'd try bruising it. but apparently thats too difficult for a stupid head like me as well. godfuckingshitdamnfuck! everything is out the window and it sucks. i can't stab/slice myself. i can't starve myself. and now i can't hit myself. and burning things in the house is not allowed, so i can't burn myself either. i don't know how to make my body suffer any other way. and thats just something i need to do from time to time. i mean, it attacks me on a daily basis, so some retaliation is necessary. i mean, i could do anything i wanted to my body, but i won't. because i'm a woman of my word. and because i really don't want to fuck my metabolism any more. ugh, i just have to find something. i don't wanna do sleep deprivation, because i'm delirious enough as it is, and doing that while trying to keep a job is not good. i'll admit i could do over exercising, but i've never really had the heart for that one. i mean its just something that is (for the most part) so good for you. and i don't want to do my body good. i mean over exercising would hurt me in the long term, not the short term. and my battles against my body are very short term. i probably need to change that. i need to be in this for the long haul. because thats what wins wars. and i really am in a war against my body. it has destroyed me, and i want to return the favor. without being a fat slob dying of a heart attack, because i just hate fat too much for that one. sometimes, i have the urge to surf the internet to find a weirdo who would do it for me.   god i just wanna be in a time like in futurama where they have suicide booths and for change you can have the death you've always wanted...god i hate myself for always being there no matter what....i need to be selfish dammit. i need to just forget about everyone else (like everyone else does) and do what i want with my life. which is destroy it. but i won't, at least not for a while, because i can't abandon those i love. yet. fuck me.  

even in clear view

so i was talking to a friend tonight who was pretty down. apparently one of her old friends had recently committed suicide. of course i didn't have much to say in response to that. i mean, what do you say to someone when they tell you that someone they cared about is dead? i think its an awkward situation for a lot of people. so my initial response was "thats sad news". literally thats what i said. i know, i'm so sympathetic right? her response? "....she was always so happy and wonderful". god that bullshit pisses me off. happy people don't kill themselves. if you know that person as "happy and wonderful", you don't really know that person. so how can you say you truly care and their death truly saddens you if you don't truly know them? i mean i know when someones dead, you just want to remember the good parts, but honestly, speaking as someone who has been there many times, and is very close to people who have also been there a time or two, if you're ready to end you're life you're not a person who could be described as 'happy and wonderful', at least not by someone who truly knows you. you aren't so bubby and then one day out of the blue, 'i think i'll kill myself'. no you have to get there, it takes a while. you have to get quite low. and some people hide that lowness from everyone and it seems like theyre still that happy and wonderful person, but thats fake. thats not who they really are, they are censoring themselves like i do every day. part of me hates myself right now for going off on this rant when my friend is in pain....but most of me is pissed off. i can't be sympathetic in this type of situtation. i know its biased of me. i didn't know the woman, and maybe she was the exception. maybe she was sooo happy and just decided for kicks to end it. but i highly doubt it. i'm not sure why i get so frustrated, but the way people respond to death most of the time irks me. 

i just feel like, if you didn't know someone, really know them and love them, you don't have the right to be so put out by their death. it just seems wrong to me, to pretend after their death that they meant something to you. i mean maybe in your mind they did mean a lot....but obviously it wasn't enough or you would've been let in to see the pain. you wouldn't be going, "but i don't understand, she was so happy". but then again, i don't suppose people kill themselves because they are so surrounded with support and understanding. 

jesus i feel like a bitch. i mean someone is dead. and i don't feel any sympathy. i feel anger, for unjustified grief, and i feel jealousy. i wish that were me. 

i feel like such a wonderful human being right now....