today was crisis mode. well i guess every day that i'm left alone with myself is crisis mode. but it just brought up another thing that bugs me. i'm kind of an extremist. i can't find the good middle ground. whenever i feel the urge to do something destructive, i go overboard in the other direction to keep myself from doing that thing; when i want to starve myself, i force a binge (as i did today). when i want to cut myself, i make my body hurt in various other ways. and in the end, almost every time, i would be better off giving in to my initial urges. so thats the approach i'm going to try from now on. i actually think it might be good for me. relatively speaking that is. i'm not completely insane. i realize that almost nothing i do in regards to myself is healthy, but some things are less so than others. maybe i don't have to turn every second into a monumental battle. maybe sometimes it can just be a small skirmish. maybe i don't have to punish myself for things i've only thought about. maybe i can do those things and punish myself later. we'll see how this new approach works...
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