girl on the verge

thats what i am. i feel like i'm always on the verge of something. just waiting for something to stop me from totally  going overboard. maybe i'm already over and i don't know it. because i feel like i've been teetering for a long time now, yet i feel so much closer to falling the more that time goes by....but in my head, i still tell myself that i haven't fallen. that i could pull back from the edge anytime i wanted, if only i wanted. that i haven't gone too far.....i am in control. but am i? am i really in control of myself? or have i again deluded myself to that fact? how do you really even know? my first instinct would be to consult someone for an outside perspective, but i don't really have an inclination to do so. i don't want to tell people all that i feel i'm on the precipice of. and they would rather not hear it. i guess i won't really be able to tell till i've smashed head first into the ground and i'm all twisted and mangled and theres nothing anybody can do. which, in a sick way is comforting. that maybe i can destroy myself, without actively breaking any promises.  it'll be like humpty dumpty. if you sit on a narrow wall, eventually you're going to fall. and when you're as fragile as an egg, well that'll be the end

 ....and all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put humpty together again.