even in clear view

so i was talking to a friend tonight who was pretty down. apparently one of her old friends had recently committed suicide. of course i didn't have much to say in response to that. i mean, what do you say to someone when they tell you that someone they cared about is dead? i think its an awkward situation for a lot of people. so my initial response was "thats sad news". literally thats what i said. i know, i'm so sympathetic right? her response? "....she was always so happy and wonderful". god that bullshit pisses me off. happy people don't kill themselves. if you know that person as "happy and wonderful", you don't really know that person. so how can you say you truly care and their death truly saddens you if you don't truly know them? i mean i know when someones dead, you just want to remember the good parts, but honestly, speaking as someone who has been there many times, and is very close to people who have also been there a time or two, if you're ready to end you're life you're not a person who could be described as 'happy and wonderful', at least not by someone who truly knows you. you aren't so bubby and then one day out of the blue, 'i think i'll kill myself'. no you have to get there, it takes a while. you have to get quite low. and some people hide that lowness from everyone and it seems like theyre still that happy and wonderful person, but thats fake. thats not who they really are, they are censoring themselves like i do every day. part of me hates myself right now for going off on this rant when my friend is in pain....but most of me is pissed off. i can't be sympathetic in this type of situtation. i know its biased of me. i didn't know the woman, and maybe she was the exception. maybe she was sooo happy and just decided for kicks to end it. but i highly doubt it. i'm not sure why i get so frustrated, but the way people respond to death most of the time irks me. 

i just feel like, if you didn't know someone, really know them and love them, you don't have the right to be so put out by their death. it just seems wrong to me, to pretend after their death that they meant something to you. i mean maybe in your mind they did mean a lot....but obviously it wasn't enough or you would've been let in to see the pain. you wouldn't be going, "but i don't understand, she was so happy". but then again, i don't suppose people kill themselves because they are so surrounded with support and understanding. 

jesus i feel like a bitch. i mean someone is dead. and i don't feel any sympathy. i feel anger, for unjustified grief, and i feel jealousy. i wish that were me. 

i feel like such a wonderful human being right now....