slice slice baby....

as always, today was a wonderful day filled with joy and smiles. not. i spent a good part of the day holding onto a sharp knife and trying to convince myself that i should not give in to the urge to mutilate myself with it. i really wanted to make myself bleed. but because that is against the rules, and i suck at it anyways, i settled for slapping myself with a knife. and of course that just infuriated me more, because i don't bruise very easily. so even though i was whapping the hell out of myself, to the point where large sections of my body were completely numb, i have nothing to show for it. which i guess is a good thing, if i want to 'get away with it' and not have anyone know. but i really don't give a damn about that. i just wanna see my body punished. and i can't make it bleed, so i thought i'd try bruising it. but apparently thats too difficult for a stupid head like me as well. godfuckingshitdamnfuck! everything is out the window and it sucks. i can't stab/slice myself. i can't starve myself. and now i can't hit myself. and burning things in the house is not allowed, so i can't burn myself either. i don't know how to make my body suffer any other way. and thats just something i need to do from time to time. i mean, it attacks me on a daily basis, so some retaliation is necessary. i mean, i could do anything i wanted to my body, but i won't. because i'm a woman of my word. and because i really don't want to fuck my metabolism any more. ugh, i just have to find something. i don't wanna do sleep deprivation, because i'm delirious enough as it is, and doing that while trying to keep a job is not good. i'll admit i could do over exercising, but i've never really had the heart for that one. i mean its just something that is (for the most part) so good for you. and i don't want to do my body good. i mean over exercising would hurt me in the long term, not the short term. and my battles against my body are very short term. i probably need to change that. i need to be in this for the long haul. because thats what wins wars. and i really am in a war against my body. it has destroyed me, and i want to return the favor. without being a fat slob dying of a heart attack, because i just hate fat too much for that one. sometimes, i have the urge to surf the internet to find a weirdo who would do it for me.   god i just wanna be in a time like in futurama where they have suicide booths and for change you can have the death you've always wanted...god i hate myself for always being there no matter what....i need to be selfish dammit. i need to just forget about everyone else (like everyone else does) and do what i want with my life. which is destroy it. but i won't, at least not for a while, because i can't abandon those i love. yet. fuck me.