licorice blood on my hands

i think that everyone has some sort of internal moral code, these boundaries that they dare not cross. to cross such a line would be wrong. i crossed such a line tonight. and that scares me a little bit. because i feel like, every time i've crossed a line in the past, there was no going back. i asked a 'normal' friend what she felt when she crossed a line and she said she felt like the worst person ever and never did it again. but for me its like shaving your legs, once you've done it, you've got to keep doing it. yeah, maybe theres a little period like in the winter where nobody sees your legs where you can skip it, but theres no going back to your unshaven self. you are forever a leg shaver. i'm pretty sure that was one of the worst examples ever, but what the heck, i feel like hell and thats the best i can do right now.  ....so anyways, i crossed a line, and yeah i'm a little scared. because obviously it was something that i felt was really wrong. thats why it was crossing a line. and even though i know i crossed a line (yep i'm saying those three words a lot, but i don't know how else to phrase it sorry), i feel like i will do it again. because now i know that i can do it. and because i can do it, if i need to do it, i almost have to do it. but i think at this point, i am getting so vague and rambly, its best i just finish it up. 

in summation, there is (licorice) blood on my hands, and i don't mind it...i'd do it again.

dangerous promises and my friend death

so i've been vacillating a lot. in the morning i'll be all doom-and-gloom and ready to kill myself, and by the afternoon, i'll be all you-can-do-this. its not always in the morning and afternoon, but you know what i mean. anyways.....and then, on one of my wonderful miles-long-treks to or from work in the foot or whatever of snow, i said something to myself that really helped. i said, 'if i'm going to live, i'm going to live thin'. and that sounds silly, saying it outloud, because how is 'living thin' going to make me stop wanting death every other second? well let me attempt to explain. when you're living thin, you are holding death's hand. i'm being semi-literal here. your body starts shutting down, and you can feel it. you know what's happening. and those things, those are like caresses from death to me. because i sometimes view death as an ever present companion, like a shadow. we all have one, but you don't always see it. and thinness allows it to get close to you. you can see your death, be friends with your death, and maybe someday, if you do it right, your death with take you away from your imperfect body. all of this is quite comforting to me. so deciding that, saying i'm going to live thin is a great help in stopping my suicide ideation. of course, it will take a while to get it right, and get to the point where i am holding my death's hand...but working towards that will give me something else to focus on, something else to get me through the day other than a dangerous promise that i can kill myself when i get home, or when nobody is home etc. 

something different

i've been doing a lot of thinking, because i just can't seem to shake this binge-starve-binge cycle. so i've been thinking about how things were before it was this bad. and i realized that i was a different person. so much has happened, and so much about me and how i see the world and myself has changed. so i can't go back to that place where it wasn't so extreme. but since i have changed so much to get to this point, i figure i can change some more to get someplace better. if that makes any sense. so i'm trying something different. instead of making rules and timelines etc like i usually do, i'm just going to try and be how i want to be. we'll see how that goes. but i think its a good place to start. and hopefully it'll start something different.

how absurd

i know this is going to sound absurd, it sounds absurd when i say it in my head. i'm so fat, i'm crushing myself. yep. absurd. but its true, thats what it feels like.  when i lie in bed (i generally lie on my side) i can feel it the most. and i'm really heavy and it hurts. and sometimes i can't even breath, like my lungs are being crushed. i know i sound crazy, but this is serious real physical pain here. and it used to be just when i was lying down to sleep at night, but now its started to feel that way all the time. and its kinda freaking me out. i mean this doesn't seem right. i mean i don't think its an actual thing, that you can be in the "healthy" bmi range and be so fat you're crushing yourself. so i have to wonder if there is actually something medically wrong here, or if i'm just becoming psychotic and delusional. and either way, what am i supposed to do? i don't have money to get medical help. and how would i explain this to any doctor so that they would be able to tell which? because i know in the way i'm explaining it now, anyone would jump to the conclusion of psychotic and delusional...but this is the only thing...and usually when people with bipolar have psychotic episodes they are grandiose, and there is none of that. ....i just want to go out in the rain/sleet/snow/whatever precipitation is going on outside and melt like the wicked witch of the west. just have all of this horrible heavy flesh disappear, and me too. 

the sea of swirly twirly thoughts

so i've been thinking about what i would say to this friend to convince her not to give up. and the thing is, the more i think about it, the more i go 'why the fuck am i even trying?!'....i can't answer that question besides to say that i made a promise and i keep my promises. but hell, promises are broken every day, so why should a promise be what i try for. what i get out of bed for....it just doesn't seem like it balances out to me. so i'm getting back into where i'm thinking i really want to break that promise and just give up. and of course, thats not good....i mean by practically anyones standards, suicide ideation is crossing a certain line. its just not okay. i mean when i was younger, i felt that. it felt wrong to me, i wanted it but it felt wrong. and now, somethings different. it doesn't feel so wrong anymore....it feels like its right for me. ....so how can i tell someone that i love, someone that i want to be honest with, that giving up is wrong and they shouldn't do it? 

just like you

so i found out a couple days ago that my really good friend who i was going to live with in a few months (of course thats off now) was lying about being in recovery and is now hospitalized. and i've been really struggling with that, because i love her so so much and i just want her to be happy and healthy, but here i am hating myself and trying to destroy myself just like her.  what right do i have to be upset? i don't think i have one, being the way that i am...i mean as someone that loves her and (because she pushed everyone away)  as her only friend, i do have a right to be upset/worried right now. i know this....but i'm not exclusively those things. i'm also a kindred spirit. i know why she's doing what she's doing. i understand, i want what she wants, i feel what she feels. and i don't just know this because of the situation she's in, i know this because we are so close and we've talked about these things many times, and although we are different kinds of crazy, we are the same.  and it somehow feels wrong of me to be upset that she's doing exactly what i dream of doing. pushing everyone away, holding death so close.  the friend in me has me questioning what i do now, saying "do you really want to put everyone through this again, just like her? do you want everyone to feel the worry/pain/sadness that you feel now?"....but the rest of me doesn't care. i'm not her, this isn't the same. ....this going back and forth is making me nuts

up, down.....puts me in the mood...for food

i was all excited, that i'm doing something i feel like i can stick to, that i can break the whole binge-starve cycle. but then today i wake up and magically weigh half a pound more than i did yesterday....i hate my body, how it can do that to me. i didn't do anything wrong. anything that should cause that to happen. but it did. and now seeing the number go up, well its quite discouraging, and makes a girl just want to eat everything. so today is not going to be as easy as i thought. its going to be a long day of mentally talking myself out of throwing the towel in just because i had a small unexplained/unexpected gain. i have to go to work, where there will be food, and i have to go out and socialize where there will be even more food, and highly caloric beverages. and i don't even get to walk today. grr.  i know though, that i can rise to the challenge and stick to the rules. i can and i will. 

but this is still fucking bullshit.