dangerous promises and my friend death

so i've been vacillating a lot. in the morning i'll be all doom-and-gloom and ready to kill myself, and by the afternoon, i'll be all you-can-do-this. its not always in the morning and afternoon, but you know what i mean. anyways.....and then, on one of my wonderful miles-long-treks to or from work in the foot or whatever of snow, i said something to myself that really helped. i said, 'if i'm going to live, i'm going to live thin'. and that sounds silly, saying it outloud, because how is 'living thin' going to make me stop wanting death every other second? well let me attempt to explain. when you're living thin, you are holding death's hand. i'm being semi-literal here. your body starts shutting down, and you can feel it. you know what's happening. and those things, those are like caresses from death to me. because i sometimes view death as an ever present companion, like a shadow. we all have one, but you don't always see it. and thinness allows it to get close to you. you can see your death, be friends with your death, and maybe someday, if you do it right, your death with take you away from your imperfect body. all of this is quite comforting to me. so deciding that, saying i'm going to live thin is a great help in stopping my suicide ideation. of course, it will take a while to get it right, and get to the point where i am holding my death's hand...but working towards that will give me something else to focus on, something else to get me through the day other than a dangerous promise that i can kill myself when i get home, or when nobody is home etc.