just like you

so i found out a couple days ago that my really good friend who i was going to live with in a few months (of course thats off now) was lying about being in recovery and is now hospitalized. and i've been really struggling with that, because i love her so so much and i just want her to be happy and healthy, but here i am hating myself and trying to destroy myself just like her.  what right do i have to be upset? i don't think i have one, being the way that i am...i mean as someone that loves her and (because she pushed everyone away)  as her only friend, i do have a right to be upset/worried right now. i know this....but i'm not exclusively those things. i'm also a kindred spirit. i know why she's doing what she's doing. i understand, i want what she wants, i feel what she feels. and i don't just know this because of the situation she's in, i know this because we are so close and we've talked about these things many times, and although we are different kinds of crazy, we are the same.  and it somehow feels wrong of me to be upset that she's doing exactly what i dream of doing. pushing everyone away, holding death so close.  the friend in me has me questioning what i do now, saying "do you really want to put everyone through this again, just like her? do you want everyone to feel the worry/pain/sadness that you feel now?"....but the rest of me doesn't care. i'm not her, this isn't the same. ....this going back and forth is making me nuts