gotta figure it out

will i ever figure this out? i dunno, but as i'm sitting here in my lush bathrobe [christmas present :) ] i think that maybe i will. i mean today, i figured out something. maybe tomorrow i'll think its absolute shit, but today, it seems like a grand revelation. i've been getting angry at everyone because whenever i get sick, and its a sickness which if left alone could kill me, they do everything they can to get me better. i'm just screaming inside let me die already! and well, that's fucking stupid. i mean, i know those are my feelings and i'm allowed to feel them, but they are stupid. i mean, here i am surrounded by people that love me and want to help me and take care of me and i hate them for it? what a waste. i should be using this valuable resource to pull myself together. maybe it sounds wrong to refer to the people that love me as a resource, but thats what they are if you break it down. and not a lot of people are so fortunate to have such a great one. i mean i really do have a lot of friends and people who care about me...i know sometimes when i'm down i feel like they're all crap and they only pretend to like me, but thats just my craziness. i need to stop hating them for loving me, and using their love to help me. because baby i need help lol. i mean the power of a number of people has proven time and time again to be amazing. alone, each of these people couldn't do much for me. but together, as group, with all of their skills and connections etc combined, i might actually be able to get some shit figured out....like get on medication, that would be amazing. now i just have to figure out how to mobilize my troops :p

me vs the flesh

my mask is becoming even more flawless. i feel like a master of disguise. for a minute, even i believed it. even i thought that i was going to be okay, despite the fact that i was self-destructing. and then this morning, it all came crashing down. and even though inside i'm falling apart, mentally and physically, outside i will appear no such thing. i'm still fighting though. i'm trying to save myself, but i don't know how....all i know is destruction. i mean, i know right now, its not life or death, so if i get it wrong its not going to be that major. but in the moment, it still feels like ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmyfuckinggod. if that makes any sense. half of me is screaming i shouldn't be trying to fix me at all, to bring me back to life; i should've just stuck to mission number one no matter what. and the other half is saying you idiot you shouldn't be doing what you're doing to yourself in the first place. and you know, the sad thing is, i don't feel i've gone that far, compared to numerous other occasions. but apparently my body does. and as much as i am at war with it, i have to start listening to it. i have to. no you don't bitch, just let that disgusting piece of flesh fall apart you don't need it.  .....i'll probably be just fine in a few hours, once i've calmed down. but right now, ....  is the right thing always the thing that means life? i don't know, and i'm scared. that i did too much. that i didn't do enough.

mirror, mirror, on the wall

i can't stand my own reflection. it's hideous. revolting. and sometimes, i find it so disgusting that i start to think that getting thinner won't change it, it won't make me any more beautiful. and when i get on that train of thought, i just think 'well what's the point in trying at all, if i'm going to be hideous either way?'.  but you know what, its better to be ugly and thin than ugly and fat.  as much as right now, and a lot of times, i feel like there is nothing that could redeem my looks, thin is always better than fat.  maybe i won't be any more beautiful when i'm skinny. but it certainly can't make me uglier. and that's what i have to remember, so i don't give up. i refuse to be fat anymore. ugly is bad enough, but fat and ugly is double shit. i refuse to be that girl.

who will be there?

so i'm sure that everyone has thought about it. your own funeral. i've been thinking about mine, because i feel like it will be soon. and for a little bit, i thought it would be fairly well-attended. but i've revised that theory. yes, i have a lot of people who i care about, but that doesn't mean they reciprocate. just because i love everyone doesn't mean everyone loves me. although i have a great deal of good friends, there are very few who will go out of their way for me, and i think that if they won't go out of their way while i am here, then they probably won't go out of their way to attend my funeral. but then people are weird about death, so who knows. but i would imagine that my mother and sisters would be there, a fair number of my coworkers, and then like ten friends. and maybe some extended family. maybe. not that i really care too much about any of this. its just morbid curiosity. i know it doesn't really matter. because i'll never actually know what goes down after i'm dead. because i'll be dead. but thinking about this sort of thing, it helps you to be aware that your death affects people outside of yourself. its easy to get wrapped up in yourself and forget that. but i know that when i go, i'll be taking something away from a lot of people. something that they need. and i feel awful for that.  

here i am, stuck in the middle with you

life

death

somewhere in between

tangled here

dangled here

a half-life i lead

i cannot leave

i cannot stay

shakily balanced

life a bite

death a breath

away

....

yeah i wrote that yesterday...there was more, but it just didn't fit, it seems complete where it is. in an incomplete way. and i just wanted to put it out there, even though it really has nothing to do with today, well maybe it does i don't know, i haven't searched for connections, i'm just going. anyways....today is a good day to die. yep. thats what i've been thinking all morning. lovely thought right? i was supposed to be at work, but i just felt so mental. like i couldn't handle pasting on my smile and pretend like every second i didn't wanna take someones shears and stab/slice/cut myself until i was nothing but a bloody dead mess. maybe it would've been better if i had gone to work, better for my job and my mind. who can say. all i can say is, the thought of going on like this, however long my natural life will be, is incredibly ...wow. there isn't even a word for how awful it is to think of that. just wow. i've gone nine months, but i have forever left ahead...its so daunting, i just...how does one find the fortitude to go on? day after day, hell on repeat.

i feel so silly. it seems like every other day, its either life vs death or food vs emptiness. which are essentially the same battles. of course, at this point, because i am obviously typing this out right now, life and food are winning. but its still a battle every day, and i don't know which side to root for. i am team life, i am team death.  no matter which team wins, there is going to be a loser. as long as life wins though, there will only be one loser. if team death wins, there will be (not to flatter myself) many many losers. 

today is a good day to die. as good as any. but i will fight, i keep my promises dammit. 

a lackluster celebration

thank goodness its december. november was hell. i am so glad that it's over. you have no idea. and i just realized today, that it is exactly nine months since my last attempt, the one that put me in the hospital. nine months. thats a long time, considering. i feel quite accomplished. i mean, i still want to be dead and all, but i promised that i wouldn't kill myself, and i haven't. i haven't tried once. i've hurt myself yes, but thats another barrel of monkeys. and i've come close many many times. so that's what makes me feel like this is something to be proud of. i know that nine months usually isn't the time that you celebrate something, its usually six months, a year, five years, etc. but i still want to do something. this is a big deal. it really is, and i want to reward myself. i just can't think of what to do. i don't want to go out and spend money on myself, cause then i'll just feel super guilty for spending money on myself. and i don't want to reward myself with food because we all know how terrible that would be. i just don't know how to commemorate this momentous occasion. so i'll prolly do nothing but be really proud of myself for once. lame. and it doesn't really make me feel rewarded, but its all i've got right now.