gotta figure it out

will i ever figure this out? i dunno, but as i'm sitting here in my lush bathrobe [christmas present :) ] i think that maybe i will. i mean today, i figured out something. maybe tomorrow i'll think its absolute shit, but today, it seems like a grand revelation. i've been getting angry at everyone because whenever i get sick, and its a sickness which if left alone could kill me, they do everything they can to get me better. i'm just screaming inside let me die already! and well, that's fucking stupid. i mean, i know those are my feelings and i'm allowed to feel them, but they are stupid. i mean, here i am surrounded by people that love me and want to help me and take care of me and i hate them for it? what a waste. i should be using this valuable resource to pull myself together. maybe it sounds wrong to refer to the people that love me as a resource, but thats what they are if you break it down. and not a lot of people are so fortunate to have such a great one. i mean i really do have a lot of friends and people who care about me...i know sometimes when i'm down i feel like they're all crap and they only pretend to like me, but thats just my craziness. i need to stop hating them for loving me, and using their love to help me. because baby i need help lol. i mean the power of a number of people has proven time and time again to be amazing. alone, each of these people couldn't do much for me. but together, as group, with all of their skills and connections etc combined, i might actually be able to get some shit figured out....like get on medication, that would be amazing. now i just have to figure out how to mobilize my troops :p