thank goodness its december. november was hell. i am so glad that it's over. you have no idea. and i just realized today, that it is exactly nine months since my last attempt, the one that put me in the hospital. nine months. thats a long time, considering. i feel quite accomplished. i mean, i still want to be dead and all, but i promised that i wouldn't kill myself, and i haven't. i haven't tried once. i've hurt myself yes, but thats another barrel of monkeys. and i've come close many many times. so that's what makes me feel like this is something to be proud of. i know that nine months usually isn't the time that you celebrate something, its usually six months, a year, five years, etc. but i still want to do something. this is a big deal. it really is, and i want to reward myself. i just can't think of what to do. i don't want to go out and spend money on myself, cause then i'll just feel super guilty for spending money on myself. and i don't want to reward myself with food because we all know how terrible that would be. i just don't know how to commemorate this momentous occasion. so i'll prolly do nothing but be really proud of myself for once. lame. and it doesn't really make me feel rewarded, but its all i've got right now.
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