here i am, stuck in the middle with you

life

death

somewhere in between

tangled here

dangled here

a half-life i lead

i cannot leave

i cannot stay

shakily balanced

life a bite

death a breath

away

....

yeah i wrote that yesterday...there was more, but it just didn't fit, it seems complete where it is. in an incomplete way. and i just wanted to put it out there, even though it really has nothing to do with today, well maybe it does i don't know, i haven't searched for connections, i'm just going. anyways....today is a good day to die. yep. thats what i've been thinking all morning. lovely thought right? i was supposed to be at work, but i just felt so mental. like i couldn't handle pasting on my smile and pretend like every second i didn't wanna take someones shears and stab/slice/cut myself until i was nothing but a bloody dead mess. maybe it would've been better if i had gone to work, better for my job and my mind. who can say. all i can say is, the thought of going on like this, however long my natural life will be, is incredibly ...wow. there isn't even a word for how awful it is to think of that. just wow. i've gone nine months, but i have forever left ahead...its so daunting, i just...how does one find the fortitude to go on? day after day, hell on repeat.

i feel so silly. it seems like every other day, its either life vs death or food vs emptiness. which are essentially the same battles. of course, at this point, because i am obviously typing this out right now, life and food are winning. but its still a battle every day, and i don't know which side to root for. i am team life, i am team death.  no matter which team wins, there is going to be a loser. as long as life wins though, there will only be one loser. if team death wins, there will be (not to flatter myself) many many losers. 

today is a good day to die. as good as any. but i will fight, i keep my promises dammit.