me vs the flesh

my mask is becoming even more flawless. i feel like a master of disguise. for a minute, even i believed it. even i thought that i was going to be okay, despite the fact that i was self-destructing. and then this morning, it all came crashing down. and even though inside i'm falling apart, mentally and physically, outside i will appear no such thing. i'm still fighting though. i'm trying to save myself, but i don't know how....all i know is destruction. i mean, i know right now, its not life or death, so if i get it wrong its not going to be that major. but in the moment, it still feels like ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmyfuckinggod. if that makes any sense. half of me is screaming i shouldn't be trying to fix me at all, to bring me back to life; i should've just stuck to mission number one no matter what. and the other half is saying you idiot you shouldn't be doing what you're doing to yourself in the first place. and you know, the sad thing is, i don't feel i've gone that far, compared to numerous other occasions. but apparently my body does. and as much as i am at war with it, i have to start listening to it. i have to. no you don't bitch, just let that disgusting piece of flesh fall apart you don't need it.  .....i'll probably be just fine in a few hours, once i've calmed down. but right now, ....  is the right thing always the thing that means life? i don't know, and i'm scared. that i did too much. that i didn't do enough.