in which i break (again)

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i'm on the edge. it always comes back to this. and every time, its so intense, i feel like this time its inevitable; i am going to jump off. but then i just back away... i keep coming back, i want to jump off. but like with everything in the world, there's uncertainty. yes, this is what i want, but i don't know everything. i don't know what will happen after. if there is an after. i can't know that for sure. and i can't know if things will change for the better if i don't. how do i know? there is no way of knowing, no certainty here. it has to be a (partially) blind judgement...... i just feel so much pressure from both sides. its feels like if i don't come to some sort of final conclusion on the matter, i'll explode. neither side will win. because it will be a mental explosion, so i won't be dead, but i won't quite be with the living either. i will be in some sad sad home for people who can't take care of themselves. ...i don't know.... maybe this is just a product of my crazy mixed cycle that i'm in right now, and everything will calm down soon. i just know that something has to happen really soon, and i'm afraid i can't make it.

turnaround

i've stopped being a wreck again, yay. for like two straight weeks i was eating eating eating and just being a complete mess. and today i just woke up and started cleaning and doing things, and i know that it's over. i'm so glad. i hate being such a mess, i like it when i have everything tidied up and in its place and my appetite controlled. of course it'll take a little more than one morning to undo the two weeks of damage, but i will cling to this mood for as long as i can. i just need to get into a solid routine, because routines help keep you stable.  but life keeps throwing shit at me. people dying, getting deathly ill, getting married out of the blue, people ditching work so i have to be at work constantly, work injury....just so much to deal with all at once. no wonder i sorta turned into a mess. but i'm dealing now, and i'm gonna stop being a fat weak bitch. yay for st. patrick's day :)

i did it

i have started writing a blog post so many times this month...but i just can never actually post it. so finally, i will post one, because i'm too tired to really do anything but too stimulated to pass out.

so many people around me have died recently, and then with the whole earthquake/tsunami where all of those people are dying; it's enough to drive a suicidal girl mad with jealousy. because really, all of these people have their lives taken from them, why can't i have that? what is so goddamn special about me that i should be alive and they shouldn't? nothing. its just like random. and they were lucky (or unlucky depending on your pov) enough to die. i have so much guilt for feeling this way, because i know instead i should be grateful that i am alive and sorrowful for what has been lost. but even if i do feel that, its all overshadowed by this incredible jealousy. ....i'm a terrible person. its true. this proves it as much as anything else ever has. if i could give my miserable life to any one of those people who i'm sure wanted to live and were much better at being people than me, i would in an instant. 

i feel like the other day, when i was playing this board game. i felt done, but i had to keep playing until it was over; my heart wasn't in it, so i played crappy and i lost. that is a metaphor for life, for me. my hearts not in it because i just want it to be done, but i have to keep going because i'm not the only one involved here; until it ends forever later on its own, i'm stuck.

i guess i'm sort of obsessing about life and death. its march. its officially been a year since i really tried to off myself. and i want to do it more than ever. i've worked so so hard to make it through this year, and it feels like none of it matters, because nothing has changed. and i still regret calling it off halfway through....so much has happened this year and i've made so many new friends, but i would take it all back to do it right. have this all be over. i really don't know how i'm going to do this eleven more times....looking at things right now it seems impossible to accomplish. i mean, i don't even know what i'm fighting for. ....congrats to myself for surviving i guess

lyrical lies

i love music. i really do, because so much of it speaks to me in the moments when i feel so alone. but it just pisses me off to hear some of the songs about pain and death and those types of things. i mean i love the songs they're good and all, but they're all asking for help or to be saved and its just frustrating to me. why does no musician seem to recognize that only you can save yourself, and screaming for someone else to do it is pointless? these songs are always telling you that you need to search outside of yourself, you need someone else to be okay. lies, lies, and more lies. i mean, yes of course, it would be so fantastic and easy if superman would come and make everything bad inside go away. but no one person has that power. believing that is just delusion, and it builds an unhealthy dependence on another person, and most people break under all that pressure and leave you in shambles all over again. most everyone i know who hasn't been broken already would tell me that i'm just being cynical and pessimistic and that people really are good and help make other people okay. but they can't show me one example of that. not one. but they still believe....i guess you just have to be lost to know nobody can find you.

some people have their blankies, i have tools of destruction

its ridiculous, but the things that comfort me and calm me the most are things that harm/destroy me. sometimes i don't have to even utilize them; just having them there, knowing i can use them if i want is enough. but thats not today. today is a day where i need to hurt. to bleed. to feel real before i disappear. to hold tightly onto everything that will destroy me as if my life depends on it. in times of semi-normalcy, i tend to put the tools/weapons as far out of my reach as possible. but i always know exactly where there are, and i imagine retrieving them, holding them, using them. i spend hours every day fantasizing about all the ways i can destroy myself; when i have a need to, i am fully prepared. today is no exception. soon, i will have everything lined up next to me and i will feel safe. i will feel secure, because i can protect myself from the enemy that is my body. i can retaliate when it attacks. wrap me in danger and i'll be alright.

i should be dead by now

that's all i can think of tonight. i should be dead by now. thats what you get when you're bipolar and unmedicated....one week i'm all optimistic and happy happy joy joy and then the next i'm all doom and gloom. but really, i never thought i would live this long....i'm not sure exactly what my reasoning behind that was; i guess i thought i would do myself in somehow seeing as i'm so self destructive. either i would get myself into a dangerous situation as i often have before because i really don't care about my personal safety, or i would take my life in a deep depression. i mean, gosh i'm almost twenty two. i never even expected to be twenty, let alone on my way to mid-twenties. i think i need to man up and get it over with already....

slowly but surely

this month has been really hard, and really crappy. i started it out with high hopes, and then crashed into darkness. but i'm turning that around. i'm working really hard every single day to become someone that i'm happy to be, that i can love. i don't like myself. i loathe myself and think that i don't deserve to live. but i've decided who i want to be and i'm working towards that. each little thing that i do that gets me closer to that makes me proud and helps me be confident in myself. like i want to be someone who doesn't let people walk all over them, and the other day, i let go of someone who only really ever hurt me. it may seem small, but for me that's a huge step and i was super proud of that. just that one thing, really picked me up and gave me confidence that if i can stand up for myself like that, like i never have, then i can turn this month around. these next two weeks may be rocky, but i know i can get out alive. i will make it one year.