too much

i seriously feel like i'm running around in circles, and everyone else knows where they're going. for instance when i go to the grocery store (or any other store for that matter), if i don't know exactly what i'm purchasing and where to locate it i freak, like i have to run out of the store before i start hysterically crying because i can't handle it (exceptions to this of course are when i'm grazing, but even then i get a bit panicky). and basically everything is as difficult as that. and i just can't help but think to myself, i'm twenty one years old, i should be able to take care of myself. but i'm not. i'm a grown woman, and i can't handle it. i try, and sometimes i even delude myself into thinking that i've got this but i don't, and i probably never will. most people who know me would totally disagree with that, but they believe in the act, the front that i put on. they don't see me when i'm crumbling to pieces just from doing a simple task. maybe everyone else falls apart too, and hides it just like i do....i can't know that for sure. maybe the whole world is headless chickens. i know i'm constantly saying my death is inevitable (correction, suicide, duh death is inevitable for everyone), but i just feel like i can't really go on for sixty more years like this. something is going to give. and every single day, it feels like that's gonna be the day it all breaks. because its already too much...

bitch and moan

ugh i'm so hating myself right now. i am such a fucking little baby. i mean i have a cold. a cold. i know they suck, because duh i feel like hell right now, but jesus, its just a cold, i should be sucking it up, not wallowing in bed all day, and then gorging on pizza by night telling myself i need to eat to get over this thing. i may need fuel, but not that much. i'm just a pathetic fat cow. i need to get up do something. like anything. just move. as hard as i try, i still have absolutely no fire for living. i'm like a zombie. like my roomates want me out because i'm just a total slob/leech. and i want to change, i want to be in place where i can get out and all that, but i just never quite seem to get going. its always something. like now, with the cold. i just sit here and i whine and i say oh poor me, i'm fucked up so i can't do anything. well thats bs. i should be doing crap. fucked up people live life all of the time. i am not special. i am no exception. i do not deserve to just laze around. ....i could go on, but that seems like enough of a self-loathing rant. 

one year later....

i started this blog one year ago today, and this is how far i have(nt) come: die die die die fucking die die die die fucking die die die die fucking die die die die fuckig die die die die die die die die die die die fat fucking bitch die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die! !!!!!!!!!

staying alive

so i finally faced the scale today. and i was relieved/horrified. relieved that it wasn't worse, horrified that i am at a hw i haven't been near in like six months. this is what i need to focus on though. when i focus on my body, i don't focus on death. and that's a good thing. maybe if i focus hard enough i can get through this cycle alive. everyone keeps asking me what i want, what my plans are and i just want to laugh/scream; i don't have any plans besides staying alive! that's about all i have the energy to do, because its a freaking hard task. i honestly don't know whether i'll be able to have any sort of life plans other than that. i can't see a me where i don't want death and i'm not fighting myself for life. but you never know, things happen, people change. i just gotta focus and stay strong. just keep working on that magic number and maybe the dreams of blood and death will fade away.

in which i break (again)

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i'm on the edge. it always comes back to this. and every time, its so intense, i feel like this time its inevitable; i am going to jump off. but then i just back away... i keep coming back, i want to jump off. but like with everything in the world, there's uncertainty. yes, this is what i want, but i don't know everything. i don't know what will happen after. if there is an after. i can't know that for sure. and i can't know if things will change for the better if i don't. how do i know? there is no way of knowing, no certainty here. it has to be a (partially) blind judgement...... i just feel so much pressure from both sides. its feels like if i don't come to some sort of final conclusion on the matter, i'll explode. neither side will win. because it will be a mental explosion, so i won't be dead, but i won't quite be with the living either. i will be in some sad sad home for people who can't take care of themselves. ...i don't know.... maybe this is just a product of my crazy mixed cycle that i'm in right now, and everything will calm down soon. i just know that something has to happen really soon, and i'm afraid i can't make it.

turnaround

i've stopped being a wreck again, yay. for like two straight weeks i was eating eating eating and just being a complete mess. and today i just woke up and started cleaning and doing things, and i know that it's over. i'm so glad. i hate being such a mess, i like it when i have everything tidied up and in its place and my appetite controlled. of course it'll take a little more than one morning to undo the two weeks of damage, but i will cling to this mood for as long as i can. i just need to get into a solid routine, because routines help keep you stable.  but life keeps throwing shit at me. people dying, getting deathly ill, getting married out of the blue, people ditching work so i have to be at work constantly, work injury....just so much to deal with all at once. no wonder i sorta turned into a mess. but i'm dealing now, and i'm gonna stop being a fat weak bitch. yay for st. patrick's day :)

i did it

i have started writing a blog post so many times this month...but i just can never actually post it. so finally, i will post one, because i'm too tired to really do anything but too stimulated to pass out.

so many people around me have died recently, and then with the whole earthquake/tsunami where all of those people are dying; it's enough to drive a suicidal girl mad with jealousy. because really, all of these people have their lives taken from them, why can't i have that? what is so goddamn special about me that i should be alive and they shouldn't? nothing. its just like random. and they were lucky (or unlucky depending on your pov) enough to die. i have so much guilt for feeling this way, because i know instead i should be grateful that i am alive and sorrowful for what has been lost. but even if i do feel that, its all overshadowed by this incredible jealousy. ....i'm a terrible person. its true. this proves it as much as anything else ever has. if i could give my miserable life to any one of those people who i'm sure wanted to live and were much better at being people than me, i would in an instant. 

i feel like the other day, when i was playing this board game. i felt done, but i had to keep playing until it was over; my heart wasn't in it, so i played crappy and i lost. that is a metaphor for life, for me. my hearts not in it because i just want it to be done, but i have to keep going because i'm not the only one involved here; until it ends forever later on its own, i'm stuck.

i guess i'm sort of obsessing about life and death. its march. its officially been a year since i really tried to off myself. and i want to do it more than ever. i've worked so so hard to make it through this year, and it feels like none of it matters, because nothing has changed. and i still regret calling it off halfway through....so much has happened this year and i've made so many new friends, but i would take it all back to do it right. have this all be over. i really don't know how i'm going to do this eleven more times....looking at things right now it seems impossible to accomplish. i mean, i don't even know what i'm fighting for. ....congrats to myself for surviving i guess